It's Christmas Eve

Omgah. There's so much to say. My birthday just passed, and it was plenty fun. Minus when Stan was a douche. I think he enjoys pushing my buttons lately, and I'm just getting sick of it. I don't remember much, but I know there are a few pictures and it was a hectic night.

I gotta get a lot off my chest a/b this relationship of me and Stan. So, we had another really long talk the other night, mainly through text, but a talk nonetheless. Basically, I'm trying to change our relationship so that I'm not begging for more time, and working his nerves. I decided that if needed, I'd give Vasiliy up right now (though it would kill me) if we would move in to the condo right now. He doesn't wanna do that until his loan is payed off. So basically I feel as if he's not ready, and will never be ready, to take our relationship to a new level. He's too scared to do anything, and that pisses me off. We're stuck in a rut, and he doesn't seem to think so. I get him for a day and a half a week (if I'm lucky) and I get laid twice a month (again, if I'm lucky). Our relationship is based on sex, so I really don't see how he thinks this is acceptable. Ohh, right, it's b/c he doesn't have the time or energy. I feel like I'm coming in a distant third in his life. And I know that I'm being selfish, but he knew I was needy from the beginning. That's why things in our relationship occurred how they did. I don't think he understands how I feel, even after I've explained it to him several times. It's annoying. So, I'm definitely at my breaking point now, and I've decided that I have to tell him if I want things to change. I am not okay with what I'm getting now. I need to let him know that I need more. I'm done playing alla these games, trying to "keep" him as he's leaving so I can get an extra five minutes. Getting upset when he needs to go do something with somebody else. Having him make plans and then cancel on me last minute. I'm done with all of this mess. It just pisses me off and makes me frustrated, even right as he walks in the door. I've given him my all, and I feel like I'm not receiving nearly as much in return. I don't wanna make it seem like I'm not considering his feelings a/b his job and how that takes a lot outta him, but he should've realized alla this. Maybe we should just take a break until he's ready to move on. I might have to bring this up as well. I'm ready to move on in this relationship, and just b/c he's not, my feelings have to suffer. And I've been suffering for awhile. It's slightly annoying. It's like whatever I really want needs to be put on hold just for him. And how is that fair? I already plan my life around his work schedule. All he does is show up, half sleep, to wherever I'm at, we go eat, we lay down, he leaves. How is any of that fair? How long am I s'posed to be okay with the cycle?

So, Christmas is 2m. I really want that laptop. Really freakin' bad. Besides that, everything else I get is kinna extra stuff. I know that Stan bought me a deck. Woot woot. But I need speakers, ahaha. I got him tons of things, all of which he asked for, w/h I know I couldn't afford at that time. Ahh. I'm trynna save money, but now I just can't. There are too many things going on that I need to spend. I hope this Christmas is a good one. Better than last year.

Today, I gotta go to the post office, Shane Co., and maybe shopping for the girls? Ugh, I really don't know. I just don't wanna leave Vasiliy here, but I'm not gonna deal with lugging him around, you know?

2010

Dearest 2010,

You have been good to me. We've had our ups and our downs, but I think you were a very promising year. I love to thank you for the opportunity for letting me put my stutter out there on the radio (b/c in doing so, I've made good friends) for letting me start school online (b/c I needed to stop procrastinating at City) for giving me the blessing of Vasiliy (since he has become a huge part of my life) for letting me and Stan continue our relationship (even though things are NOT going well for us) and of course for keeping my family together (though I'd rather not be here with them.) I do want to question why you haven't given me a better job, or let me crash my mother's car, have a faulty radiator, let the computer downstairs fail, allow my parents to make me feel like trash, take time away from me and boyfriend (b/c we all know how much we need it), etc. I guess I can't really complain, since nothing really traumatic has happened to me. Looking back, overall you have been lovely to me. I won't miss you. I'm looking forward to 2011 and being 21.

2011, I hope you bring me tons of things that I've been asking for. Like what?
-I want things between me and Stan to change, if they ever will. We kinna had a really long talk last night, and we both realized that no matter what we do, things won't change between us since we can't do what the other wants. And with that being said, we might just be unhappy for a very long time. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be unhappy with him, but I guess it's worth it.
-I want my parents to realize what they say and do affects me negatively. I guess it's up to me to bring it to their attention, but I'm really unsure of how they're going to react. I don't want them to flip the script and bring it on me for being so sensitive. And since I'm on the talk, I wanna bring up the sub category of Joi. She needs a major attitude adjustment b/c it makes me frustrated how she treats me. I hold back how much I wanna punch her in the face alla time.
-I want a job. Something that will get me outta the house. I should keep looking now. I really don't want something like a plain customer service retail, but I guess I might just have to do it. Ugh, sigh.
-I also need a fun fitness thing to do. I wanna work out, but just going to to the gym will be boring. Maybe a hip hop class or something. Hmm..

We'll see what happens.

Fuck a birthday

The past three birthdays for me have been soo shitty. '09 Ms. Hansen died, '10 Oscar died and this year I wrecked my mom's car. Omgah. Why does this crap happen to me? So now I'm on punishment. Like, I'm actually on punishment. Hella stupid.

Idk what I'm gonna do for my bday anyway. Prolly just dinner at Auntie Sweetie's the day of, and go out the Friday after. It'll be strange though. Ahh.. whatever.

I really wanted to blog, but I don't have the energy.

My online class isn't working. And I'm trying to finish an assignment. Fml.

Definitely.

So, 2m I will definitely call the people that I've been procrastinating for so long. I need to get a ton of things of my chest, and I need help in ways of dealing with it.

Mother:
Why don't you listen to me? I know I'm young, but I know what I'm talking about. Vasiliy needs to not eat hella early in the morning, b/c it throws him off schedule and doesn't give me that extra hour of sleep that I so dearly need. He doesn't need a snack every time he sees you, b/c now he expects it. This is my dog, and if you want one go get your own. I don't want him to be spoiled in that sense. And now for a whole new topic (w/h is kinna old) the laptop. OMGAH. Woman! So, I told you that I would go half for the laptop. Why didn't you accept that? Why didn't you tell dad? I could've had the laptop for super cheap during Black Friday. Now I'm in a situation where I gotta choose between getting my laptop and going on the trip to Disneyworld that I've been planning since Feb. Bullshit. No somebody is gonna buy me that damn laptop b/c it's unfair what I had to go through b/c you and dad are ridiculously cheap.

Joi
Why don't YOU listen to me? Don't call him Mr. Piddles. Dogs need consistency in their lives. Vasiliy barely responds to his name now. He doesn't need that damn confusion in his life. And don't gimme any other drama when I tell you to stop. I should only have to say it once. Just b/c you like getting a rise outta me, doesn't mean that I like giving it to you, cuz believe me, I don't. It's the most annoying thing ever. You should just stop the first time when I ask you.

Dad
Why are you so cheap? It bugs the living shit outta me. It's not like I'm doing anything bad. It's not like I've done anything wrong to not deserve this laptop. It could be a gift to me. You and mom both said I could have a laptop. Sorry that a little net book wouldn't suffice with the needs of my career. Trust me, I wanna be as frugal as you, but sometimes you need to put out the extra money. It's not fair to me that I have to suffer b/c you're choosing not to help me with school. Seeing as I'm paying for my own loans, and that $300 that I should at least be able to get a laptop from you, the end.

To all of you:
Why must I say things several times? And then when I say I don't like something, you all go into "she's so sensitive", and make fun of me even more. What am I s'posed to do when I can't even relax with my own family? When I feel horrible b/c of the things you say. I've told you all that when you say those things, it hurts, and it's not fair that I have suffer. It makes me so angry. And I swear once I leave, that's it. You will not hear from me unless absolutely necessary.

Relationships

My relationship with Stan has become.. Idk what to even call it. It's definitely complicated. I don't like how it's come to fighting everyday, esp since he won't ever call me, and we fight through text. That's the stupidest thing ever. Anyway, today, I think we both realized that we're on the last straw of our sanity. We can't continue to fight everyday, but do we wanna break up? I sent him a text saying that, and he responds with I've thought about breaking up, b/c it would be easier, but then I don't wanna lose you, etc. Then I asked what we should do since we're stuck, and he decides that's the time to end our conversation, saying he has more stuff to do. That's the crap that I'm talking about. Do you really think that in the middle of a fight it's okay to just up and leave? Ugh.

My relationship with somebody really close has basically faltered. I don't wanna put their name out there, just b/c. I guess it's due to the lack of time we've spent together, the lack of communication. The growing that we've all done, it's prolly made it difficult for us to remain friends. I dislike a lot of your actions, and I don't think you're a nice person, a fair person. I believe you take advantage of people to get what you want. I believe that you feel you are slightly above others by the way you act. And sometimes you throw out random knowledge, that simply doesn't make sense. Or you try to throw out knowledge that makes you seem smarter, but it feels as if you're shoving a fancy education down our throats.

My relationship with school has become really difficult. I'm going to stop attending night class, b/c I need to focus more on AI which I don't do now. I wish I could do both, but I really can't. I gotta focus on one thing, and AI's definitely more important. I gotta do better b/c I'm already falling behind. But it will not happen ever again. Just a rough week for me, that's all.

My work relationship isn't really there. I need to go to the rink and talk to these people, b/c it's not happening. I need money, and fast. I was relying on this job, but maybe now I'll just try to look elsewhere.

My relationship with Vasiliy is pretty awesome. I love just spending time with him, having him sleep on me, having him around. I always feel better knowing he's here. He's a pretty good dog, he just needs a lot of attention, that I'm going to give him once this semester at City is over.

Have you ever felt like you've been walked on by somebody close? That they just use you to for something, then when you expect to have the same thing returned, it never happens? That's how I feel. And it sucks.

Growing up

So, I thought going to school online would be awesome, I'd have tons of extra free time, but I really don't. I have to cram alla this knowledge into such a small window of opportunity. I do believe I am cheating the system by doing all of the assignments at one time, and just posting them up when they're due. I hope my next class isn't this boring, but if it is, I'll have more time to myself, as I won't be enrolled at City anymore. Holla. I'm sooo glad a/b that.

Idk where things stand with me and Stan. I do see him trying, and I'm proud of that, but Idk if he understands the severity of his actions at this point. He's really lost my trust. I don't believe a lick of what he says. And whenever he does say something, I'm expecting him to not be on time. I don't think he realizes that what he said a long time ago stuck in my head. He said, "I'm on time to important things." Soo.. am I not important? Is our relationship not important? Is Vasiliy not important to you? Irdg his view on these things. Hopefully after I register him, things will be easier. One more year or so to wait it out and see if it'll be worth it. I really hope so.

I'm trying to make these two jobs last and quickly. I think I found a way to make it work, but saving everything I have until the trip. I only need one thing from Best Buy on Black Friday, and I hope it happens. I'm not going to have a bday party per say, maybe just a dinner or something, where everybody chips in to help me pay for stuff. I think this plan can work, along with asking dad for money every two weeks to put into my account. Let's see.

Vasiliy had school today. I believe he wishes he was part pit, cuz he finds alla these pits and wrestles with them. It's actually quite cute. I love this dog, and no matter what types of prollems he brings to me and Stan, I'm not gonna let him go. He's done nothing wrong. I need to find a new mat for his crate, and a brush for his shedding hair. And continue his insurance. And register him. Omgah.

I still gotta go to 555 Portola Drive and make the phone call. Definitely Monday. (It just thundered hella loud. Like, the sky broke. Idk if I'm gonna walk him. It needs to super slow down or he's just gonna have to poop in the house and I'll clean it. It's too much right now.)

Heavy Eyes

I've been glued to my laptop as of lately. If it's not something for Bio, it's AI. That class is time consuming. I have to read over things SEVERAL times and read in between the lines to make sure I've included everything. I have a test in bio 2m and I hope I do well. And I have a few papers to type for DSGN 101 that are due, w/h I'll prolly take care of 2m before night class. I'm actually quite sad that the group project is ending. I think it's b/c I was lucky enough to have an awesome group, that now it feels kinna lonesome. It'll be back to the boring stuff in that class, and I'm dreading it. If there weren't a few weeks left and if I hadn't suffered as much as I did already, I would drop. But there's no point. City will be over in a matter of weeks. I'm glad. I'm just sad that I'm going to be home alla time, b/c then I think everybody will expect me to be doing everything for them. No bueno.

Vasiliy is soo house trained now. Every time he has even the slightest hint of pee, he walks to the door. I try to wait it out, so he doesn't get used to me taking him out every 30 mins just b/c he feels the urge. I feel bad b/c I didn't give the attention he deserves from me today, but that's how it's gotta be sometimes. He's learning how to just play by himself which is good. I love him so. I just hope he stays that size for ever and ever and ever. If he gets any bigger, we gotta buy a bigger crate. Omgah, that reminds me, he's almost outta food. If it's not gas, dog supplies, feminine stuff, I'm broke. Omgah. He's growling at himself in the mirror right now. It's super cute.

I need this year to fly by super quick so that this real job will start. I should start looking for an internship, b/c I'm sure I could do that.

I'm gonna take Vasiliy out for one last walk, change into pajamas, drink some juice and get in the bed. My eyes need a break from the laptop glow. And Vasiliy is craving for my attention.

More Positive

So, things w/ me and Stan have gotten better, I believe. Idk how long it'll last. It's kinna sad to think we're just stuck in this situation. Neither of us wanna start over new, so we try to work out our issues, but honestly, sometimes it seems pointless cuz Idk when Stan will go back to his old ways. Idk if Stan really changed that time. Idk if I should give him another chance, if I deserve another chance. He's also moving this upcoming weekend to San Mateo since his parents bought a house out there. That means a longer drive for him to see me (if he keeps it up) and if I go and see him, that's also a ways.

Vasiliy went to school today. It sucked b/c I was there all by myself, and I needed help. I was frustrated. Seriously frustrated. I couldn't get him to do hardly anything. Ugh. Hopefully Stan will come through. And he got his new dog bed for his crate. Woohoo. It looks kinna feminine, but it was the only one they had. Now I gotta find either a some good dog shampoo to cure him of this white stuff he has and his shedding OR find a really good and cheap groomer. Dogs are soo expensive. Anyway, the class was fine b/c he got to play with other puppies. He wore himself out, and I'm really excited b/c I can get a lot done when he's sleeping.

I need to find a job. Something, and quick. I really don't wanna work at the rink this year, nor any year ever again. I dislike this mess. I dislike that environment now. It's not good, and the pay isn't that much better. I just wish I could've scheduled alla this stuff in a different pattern. My finances are low, but I'm going to make this work. I think I should start selling off alla these textbooks that I have to make a quick dollar.

I'm still not happy with my family situation. Idk why they treat me the way they do, why they don't keep their word. I swear to the highest of heavens I will keep my word whenever I have children. It's such a heartbreaking experience to have to go through whenever stuff like that happens. I am not asking for a lot. I'm asking for a laptop. It's not that much. My mom's bitching a/b me asking for financial aid, but that shit hasn't even come in yet. I'm working on a hope and a prayer that it'll get solved. My financial aid just barely covers what I need for school. The laptop is the least they can do. I'm pretty much taking care of everything else on my own. They're not paying for anything anymore. This laptop is the equivalent of a/b a year of me being at City. Idk why they just won't do it. Joi just comes in and out of my room. Knocking the door open and then walking in doesn't mean that I wanted you in here. You have no respect for personal space. My dad is super cheap.

Things I must do:

• Go to 555 Portola Drive to pick up a copy of my transcript
• Study for this Biology test on Monday
• Call for an appt to start the process of registering Vasiliy
• Clean my room (purge the majority of my clothes)
• Find shampoo OR a groomer

I really don't know

So , there are a ton of things that I want to get off my chest a/b the whole me & Stan thing.. but Idk where to even begin. I think we semi settled it, but I'm debating whether or not I should send him an email really explaining how I feel. Hmm..

It's November, so that means it's time for the Rink. Yay, kinna. I'm going to be working TWO jobs, trying to save money for Disneyworld, but Idk if it'll be enough. Plus I gotta save for loans. And I got an email to work at this other job, and I'm hoping this lady will return my call soon. I can't wait for this semester at City to end. I'll be free virtually all the time.

And school starts for me on Thursday. I'll be a student at the AI of Pittsburgh, Online Division. Taking three classes a quarter. I hope to finish this first school year quickly, get a REAL job, and then continue on with my schooling for the next two years. Holla. I'm still upset at my parents for not wanting to get my the laptop that I REALLY need, but they'll come around and see that it's the smartest way to go. Esp since I'm very responsible of my things. Ahem, ahem.

Family. Omgah, I'm really sick of Joi. Stan says we should be in the condo w/n the next year, and I REALLY hope he means that. Hell, as soon as I get this dog registered, I might just spend more time at the condo. I can't stand her. She isn't respectful. I have to yell at her SEVERAL time for her just to do one thing. I don't like her in my space, or near my area. My parents don't even punish her. They let her get away with shit and that makes me even more angry.

Vasiliy is such a big dog. I love him very much. He's the best dog EVER in the world of dogs. He's house trained. I just gotta make sure that when he's ready, I'm ready, otherwise he'll just go. I wish Stan was around more to see his development. It's pretty cool. It's nice how he knows when it's nap time, how to sit down when I feed him, how to chew on certain things in my room.

Things I gotta do, soon:

• Go to 555 Franklin to get my transcript.
• Call for a psychiatry appt to start the process for the dog
• Buy Vasiliy a new dog bed
• Call SFSPCA for the switching of classes
• Call Angela to check in
• See if Stan will watch Vasiliy Thursday
• See if Stan wants me to work Friday

Let's talk about a few things

I don't know what the hell happened between me and Stan. Things have changed, and definitely not for the better. Our arguments have changed drastically. They are no longer small retarded things. They are huge things. Things that I'm not even sure of how to fix. I'm not happy. And I've been contemplating leaving him. Yes, that is true. It's freaking me out. But I've been thinking about our relationship. Right now, there's no way we can get time together. This dog wasn't a good idea. It would've been easier if it was a smaller dog, but now we gotta work it out. Stan claims he would like if I moved in with him in about a year. We have a dog. I can't just leave my dog at home. I can't. Stan picked this dog and he isn't doing anything for it. It makes me super sad. Now I have to make a ton of hard decisions about him. Do I move in, leave him with somebody? Give him up just b/c I want time with my boyfriend? That's not fair to this dog. I could just get a place of my own that's pet friendly. Then he can sleepover. But that is a big waste of money. And then I'm thinking about how things are rough now. It's not like it'll just get better with time. The time won't change Stan's schedule. Even if I do decide to move in with Stan w/n the next year or whatever the time frame is, that doesn't mean that I'll get to see him more. I'll see him the same amount of time. I had no idea dating a cop would be this difficult. Things were easier then. It would've been perfect if he just moved into a place that was pet friendly. I just had an idea! Yay for my small brain that has awesome bursts of good ideas! Anyway, if I get the papers to say that I need a service dog, that can't tell me I can't have him. So BAM. I just beat the system. So that solves the dog prollem. Yes. Omgah, why didn't I think of this before I just ranted? But time will STILL be an issue. And quite frankly, I am an not a patient person. And for our present problem. I need attention. Attention he doesn't have the time to give. And when he has the time, he doesn't have the energy. And when he has energy, I'm not up for it b/c something he did earlier pissed me off. There's a bunch of small things that aren't going well in our relationship and neither of us know how to fix them. My whole thing is that I know I'm not happy with him, but I know that I won't be that much happier with out him. Do I just want to play the waiting game and see if things get better?

Schoool
I will start doing my best from now on. I gotta. I also have to go up to Burton and pick up a copy of my transcript. I'll do that Monday. I have hella errands to run. SOB. And then art school starts on Thursday. I'm enrolled in comp literacy, color theory for patterns, and drawing. Sucks a lot, b/c I'm not a good draw-er. Omgah, in my night class, we're doing this group project, and there's this one group that can not get along for anything. They were SCREAMING at each other the other day. They need to just sit down and focus. And it's weird how they don't get along since they all sit in the same area of the classroom. I love my group b/c we work well together. And in the end, this is ONE project. It doesn't mean anything. I wanna talk to a counselor to see if I have enough credits to get my AA. I want to make my mom happy, and I know that getting it will.

Friends
I feel like such the bad guy. I set them up and now they're having the world's worst issues. I'm so sorry. But I am here for you. It's almost your birthday and though I won't legally be able to celebrate with you, I wish you all the best. I also realized that I have NO idea what I want to do for my birthday, if anything. Maybe I'll be like Jess and have an anti-21. I've done everything there is to do for that day, so it's not like it matters. I also have to save for Disneyworld, which is a ton of dollars. And I don't have a ton of dollars atm. I need to find a job. Hopefully towards January I'll find one since I'll be free alla time. Hmm.. Hopefully I'll think of something.

Puppy
He's getting sooo big now. He's settling down and everything. He knows when it's play time, when it's chill time. He knows when I'm sad. I was crying the other day and he put is paw on my chest and I couldn't help my smile. He's starting to have his own personality. I just wish he was alla way house trained so I could leave him home not in his crate. Hopefully soon. He has school 2m and I hope they teach me something.

Family
So, I really feel like I don't belong in this family. I'm the black sheep. I'm the good one, I'm not ghetto, I don't go around being bad and disobeying rules just b/c they're there. I do things by the book, I speak proper English, I dress in clothes that look decent. I really want to leave this house. I gotta look into registering my dog, and fast. If it's a long process, it needs to happen now. I want it to ready for when I move out. I can't do this with these people. Today, we're all eating BK in the car. I open my chicken fries, and Joi doesn't even ask if she can have one. She just wiggles her hand in front of me and expects me to just give her whatever. She's so damn rude. That's not how you get shit in the world, and that's definitely how to not get shit with me. And then my dad wants to laugh at me when I spill soda on my shirt. He didn't even offer a damn napkin. And then he wants to eat my fries. What the hell is up with people just taking shit w/o asking? It's rude. I wouldn't mind giving you whatever I have, but you gotta be able to ask nicely. And my mom isn't really all that better. She's hit menopause and it's her way for everything. She bitches for no reason. She angers me. Seriously angers. She doesn't do anything but bitch and scream. Today Joi got her iPod, and I was s'posed to get my laptop But it turns out that the best laptop is way more expensive than the netbook I had originally planned to get. And it seems like everybody is bitching at me. I did what I needed to do. I checked all of the websites and there was nothing. Sometimes you can't be cheap. They're expecting my financial aid to just pay for this crap.It prolly won't. Idk how it even works since I'm not getting a check in the mail. I surely hope something good will come outta this.

Stan's s'posed to be coming over today so we can finish our talk that we started yesterday, but Idt that it'll happen. And if he does, it'll be for an hour tops. I'm numb to this shit now, and it makes me cry b/c I shouldn't have to be accustomed to this feeling.

Why is the weatherman lying to me? It hasn't rained in a long time.

Recap

City College
I'm super slacking at City. Like, it's reached the point to where I think that whatever I do doesn't really matter since I'm already in art school. I should still try, try my hardest. I'm getting a bunch of C's. I mean it's passing, but I know I could do better.

Art school
These people are like seriously wasting my time. I send in one thing, and they tell me something a/b it isn't right. I gotta fix it. Now somebody lost my something and I have to retake this thing, again. I seriously hope not though. It was a test that I just pretty much guessed on.

Work
I should start looking for something more stable, b/c $400/month isn't exactly cutting it. It should, but I'm buying tons of things. Rink is starting up again. I gotta go so I can save for Orlando. Hopefully I get that room I like since it's by Westin and Stan still has his connections.

Puppy
He's getting better. No more one hour, now it's like two hours, maybe 3. Sometimes I just put him in the crate, esp if I want some alone time. He's getting big already. I just wish Stan would help me more than he does b/c it's hard and tiring.

Relationship
Oh Stan, why must you make things so complicated? Just help me. Yes, you have to spend time with me. I'm your girlfriend. You shouldn't have agreed to be with me if you wanted to be lazy.You don't have time for your family? Sacrifice your sleep. Ugh.

Friends
I miss my LBO. Where are you? I'm spending time with W3 soon cuz there's a concert in Davis.Woot woot.

Yay

So, I have tons of good news. I have a new puppy, Vasiliy (Vah-sill-ee) a mix of Shepard and Chinese Shar Pei. He's such a cutie. He's a handful though. And kinna has mood swings. He's only 3 months so he's gnawing on EVERYTHING he can fit in his mouth. House training is difficult. I hope that he doesn't get stuck on this one hour schedule though. We try to take him out every hour or so to pee and poop. But sometimes he just doesn't do it. My body can't handle alla these walks. I'm a lazy SOB. Ahahaha. Walking for like around 4 hours everyday isn't very nice on my body. I also have a new car, a Prelude. I finally got it after awhile of begging and pleading with the parents. It's giving me a bit of a headache though b/c outta nowhere it's giving me a lot of minor problems. Hopefully they'll all go away. I'm also in the process of getting a new laptop for school, b/c I'm accepted in AI. I also think my financial aid will be massive. Holla.

What else is there that I need to emphasize in my life? Where are my friends? I miss alla you.

Disputes > Arguments

So, I'd like to think that disputes are little talks that you have over a matter that you feel very strongly about, but your tone remain calm, while in an argument, you're screaming, yelling, ect. I'd like to think that me and Stan have more disputes than arguments, but I'm not that sure.

So, me and Stan had a big blow up Friday night. It caused a lot of tension and made sleeping very difficult. We woke up and I thought it would be over, but Stan just wanted to hold on to it. I really don't remember what even started the whole thing, but it was something big, obviously. So then we just kinna swallowed our pride and we went to our houses to get things and then drive to Gilroy again for the wedding. We checked in to our hotel room where I think everything became alla settled. Got ready and then headed over to the wedding. I sat in the first row for Chris. I have no idea why none of his family came besides his sister, but I'm glad I represented for him b/c I love him like a brother and truly do wish him and Ellen the best. Me and Stan danced a bit and then we left and headed back to the hotel where we talked some more and ko'ed pretty damn early, imo. We woke up, had some free breakfast, packed up, checked out, and came back home to look at some puppies. Yay. We agreed on this dog, Chinese Shar-Pei/Husky/Shepard Mix. It's gonna be a pretty big dog, and that's definitely not what I wanted, but maybe I'll learn to like big dogs. But I'm definitely getting something smaller down the line. I then took Stan home, and I came back home to sleep. But I didn't b/c I had to talk to dad a/b going in and seeing the dog, and then getting a car, w/h I don't think I'm going to get. Ugh.

The wedding was sooo amazing. I'm so happy to have been a part of something so splendid and gorgeous no matter what me and Stan were going through. I saw some of the cutest and funniest pictures of the two of them from once upon a long time ago. They both cried, so I cried. I think Stan teared up a bit. Nick's speech was perfect. He edited and ad-libbed well.The music was perfect, the weather was just tolerable (until it started to sprinkle), the food was good. Everybody was happy.

This dog is going to be hell. Omgah. It's so cute now cuz it's small. Once it grows it's going to be a different problem. I know Stan doesn't want something small and bitchy, but I don't want something big and husky that you can't bring everywhere. I hope he understands where I'm coming from, b/c I get where he's coming from.

I have to cancel my hair appt. I might just wash my own hair for now since it's sprinkling now anyway, and I'm getting this dog. Omgah, the timing just wouldn't be nice.

Last Straw

Where did that saying come from? What was somebody doing that they had to make the last straw have such a strong emphasis?

So, Stan and I have restarted our relationship. It's on our last leg. It's actually a kinna scary feeling. I'm really hesitant to have even done that, but I love him way too much to just let him go all that easily.So, we're attempting to work things out, for the last time. If somehow things don't go right in the way I expect them, I'm going to just be done with it, be done with it all.
-So Sunday night, just went over to the condo, I wasn't all that hungry, so we didn't really eat. We just watched some Criminal Minds and then we eventually ko'ed. Stan wakes up around 4am and starts playing video games. Wtf, right? So I kinna ignore it and sleep s'more until 9ish. I get a hot dog for breakfast. Yummy. Then we get dressed and head to the pet store to look at dogs. I really want that Munchkin, but I doubt it'll happen b/c dogs are REALLY expensive. $800. But I fell in love with it. Or I'd like a shih poo. Those are also very cute dogs. I want a mixed breed, but nothing mixed w/ chihuahua b/c those are some annoying mofos. So we were gonna go to Maddie's and then the Humane Society, but they were both closed. So we then went to Jamba Juice, I got a Pink Star and I ordered him a White Gummi, and then we drove to Twin Peaks. Chilled there for a bit, then we decided to take a drive through the Presidio, where we had an impromptu quick tour of the Walt Disney Family Museum. Ahahah. Then we went to Tanforan b/c Stan wanted Starbucks, and then we walked around there for a bit, when I was trying to find a dress to wear for the wedding. Omgah, that's gonna be mission impossible. So then we went to Chilli's for dinner, where we ordered. We ordered our food, then since we had time to kill, decided to go over to Spirit to see some cute Halloween costume ideas. There were a few cute ones, but Idk if I'm even going to be doing something for Halloween, so I'm not really gonna go out and buy something just for the hell of it. Once our food was ready we went over to Nick's house, ate, watched some of our shows, and then Stan ko'ed. Poor baby was just really tired. So there was a tuss there, and so we left on a sour note, but we talked it out.

I'm almost fully accepted in Art School. I need to find s'more money b/c I know that I'm not going to be able to afford it with just the substantial funds that I can get from just financial aid alone. My only worry is that I might have to take out a loan or something. I really don't want to get a loan b/c I don't want to have to pay something back later on in life. That's insane.

The car thing is happening, slowly. I just wish it would happen faster.
I also need to improve on this job situation. I wanna hopefully get something real after this semester is done at City since I'm going to be free a lot.
I want a puppy, badly.

Relationships

Relationships are something that you need to work on. Whether they are with friends, family, significant others, on the professional level, teachers, whatever. You need to work to gain trust and respect, and you must work even harder to maintain that. Some people just don't want to work on their shit anymore. If you don't want to work, be courteous to those people who once had a relationship with you and tell them so you aren't stringing them on and having them continue to work when you just want to be lazy.

Where is alla this coming from? Where else, my relationship with Stan. He broke yet another promise. And for some reason, I didn't just end it like I said I would. But this is seriously it. I'm reaching a point of no return. If he breaks another promise, I will be done with him, with the heartbreak, with it all. I have it in writing now, so it's there. I gotta stick to my guns. If Stan's not willing to be real with me, I gotta be real with myself. We talked a bit this morning, and we semi solved some stuff. He doesn't wanna break up with me, but his actions are saying the exact opposite. He's pushing me away and he has no idea why. He wants to live his life like a "normal" 20 something would be. But he has to understand that he is not a normal 20 something anymore. He decided to be a cop and to have a career that would age him faster than he expected. He wants to be normal, then he needs to have a normal schedule. You can't expect to be normal if nothing around you is normal. Dear god, I'm the only thing constant he's had during alla this and he neglects me. I was there when his own parents didn't approve of his decision. I'm just done. I shouldn't cry every time I think of him. I shouldn't have grown used to broken promises. I'm over this. You gotta be strong baby girl. For yourself.

Now to find cars. There are some prospects today for two Miatas which I'd rather have. Then there's also a Geo tracker. I should get dressed. Ugh.

Do Work.

Where did Big go? He needs to come back b/c Rob&Big was the stuff.

Anyway, I'm doing a lot of work now for AI. I really wanna get in. I've filled out my FAFSA, w/h will hopefully give me lots and lots of money. I need alla monies I can get for this school. I'm so excited. I should ask Angela when I'm going to be notified of my acceptance, or lack there of. I have under a month to change my mindset. Omgah.

So, to real working. I need a job. I love working for Rusty at USF and Stanford, but I need something that'll pay me bigger bucks. Something that also has more stable hours. Ohh, I'm going up to see Rusty 2m for a little bit around 930am to get my uniform and he wants to talk.. I'm kinna nervous. Maybe I should block Twitter. Ehh, I'm not going to do that. Maybe I'm hyping myself up. It's probably nothing.

Working on getting a car.. is still mission impossible. Argh, my life. I want a car. I should text this prelude guy again. See how low he's willing to go on the car. Dad is going to take me to view some cars in the day on Saturday, so I'm "giving up" time with Stan, but Idt we were gonna do much that day anyway. Whatever, we'll see.

I'm also working on fixing this relationship I have with Stan. My whole thing is that I don't feel the same way I once did. I used to get really excited about seeing him, and after being let down so many times, now I'm just numb to it. I just wait around until he says we're gonna go out, and then go from there. I'm just at a point where now I'm skeptical. Of everything. It needs to be fixed otherwise this relationship will be difficult.

Pain.

Mmkay, so today was a busy day. I went to Geo, got my test back, saw my class grade, and I'm satisfied with it, but I know that there's more I can do. I wanna work through this and bust my butt off to get a good grade in this class. Then I had to rush over to donate blood. I ate McDonald's since it's a way I can cheat around my iron poor blood to donate. It turns out that there is no way that I can donate blood until I'm 23 unless I gain 8 pounds b/c I need to be at LEAST 135 to donate until I'm 23. Wtf ? Who has heard of such a thing? So, I got pricked (which is the worst part of donating, imo) for no reason. Then I came back home to talk to Angela (my admissions adviser for Art Institute of Pittsburgh Online Division. I sat down and talked with her for a/b 90 mins and got a lot of information. I took a tour of the school, and officially applied. I'm going to work on my FAFSA and alla the other financial aid components on Thursday with Angela and she'll also give me a name and contact info for my financial aid adviser. And then after alla that, I went to a doctor's appt. I haven't seen my doctor in forever it seems. It went well, just talking a/b the accident and my vertigo that seems to be never ending. I hate this shit. And then I got a flu shot. Boob. I came back home, and got a voicemail from Bert to say I have to give back the rental on Saturday. Which means I need a car. I've been staring at this Prelude and I hope if I can talk this guy down a few grand that I'll get it. The car is nice, but it has a salvage title, and has a new engine, but who's to say it's not a hot engine. So, with alla that being said, there could be something good in alla this.

I wonder if/when I'll be notified a/b the application process. I hope I get accepted. I REALLY want this. If this happens, I'm done with City after this semester. I can't wait. The program starts 11/11. What, I should make a wish. Ahahaa. Anyway, if I'm in, I'll be enrolled in two schools for about two months. So I'm gonna have to figure out how to make alla that work. What I do love a/b this school is that after a year I can find employment and still continue to go to school. I have to print, scan, and email this thing. Does Kinko's have a scanner? I really hope so.

I work 2m, so I'm going to skip night class. It's just this one time. It's my third class I've missed, but I'm not missing a lot of work. This is the only assignment I'm going to miss, and I really don't care too much for these group things, so it's not that big of a deal, to me anyway. Work should be fun. It's my first time at USF, so I'm gonna learn a lot of new things, I hope. And alla this means that I can't go see the puppies, so maybe I'll talk Stan into going on Thursday. And Idk when I'm gonna see him again, besides that. It's really such a drag to have this feeling. To not look forward to seeing him. Omgah, who knew relationships would be so difficult?

Working thorugh it, literally.

So, I work again today, w/h I so oh desperately need to do. I mean, since me and Stan's big fight, I haven't really seen or heard from him besides the usual few sparatic text massages. I've been out with my girls yesterday, we went shopping, and Katt came over the night before last, once alla the drama started to go down. I really love them for having my back during times like these, b/c I honestly don't know where I stand in this relationship anymore. I've been pushed so far back that now, I'm actually apprehensive a/b making any more steps forward. I know that there is a list of things that I wanna tell him, and I hope they all come out okay and at the right time.

So, today I have work, but I'm confused b/c I'm scheduled to work at both Standford and USF. Wth? I remember a conversation I had with Rusty a/b what to do if I'm scheduled to work two places at once, and he said that USF takes precedence. So, I'm gonna work my first shift there today. I hope I don't mess it up. It is soccer, and I'm pretty okay with soccer at Stanford, where it's a bit more challenging writing down subs and blowing the horn ourselves. I just gotta text Rusty this morning to make sure I have the uniform right, and that he knows I'm going to the game at USF. Brian will be at the Standford game, but I just wanna be sure. Then after this day of work, I'm s'posed to be meeting up with Stan. We'll see how that goes since it hasn't gone too well the past few days.

I love my grampa, and I'm obviously his favorite b/c I'm his cell background. In your face Joi and Desiree. C=

Stupid

I know what I gotta do to see you, but why is that I'm the only one who sacrifices? In any case, you're def. not getting any that night. That's insane. You put me through hell and expect to get laid, puh-lease. Gotta get your mind right. I'm in such a bad mood, b/c I don't think you see that severity of this entire prollem. Idt you saw how I was so ready to just give up. To let it all go. YOU now have to work to get me back, b/c you lost me. I'm not feeling this lack of romance and intimacy. It's not fair, and you know it. And I feel as if you expect me to just lay back and take it. But that's most definitely not gonna happen. So, today, I'm doing nothing. I'm spending the day in bed, unless Daniella calls me or something. And even if she calls, I'm really not gonna be feeling going out for any reason.

I'm in such a bad mood. And I don't think Sunday will really make a difference. I think I'm slowly pulling outta this relationship. Things need to change, and they need to change quickly.

Emotions

It's just emotions, taking me over, caught in sorrow, lost in a song. If you don't come back, come home to me darling, don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tonight? There's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight.

Fuck love, I'm tired of trying, my heart's big, but it beats quiet.

We have bullshit, we've been through it, but we've been too strong for too long and I can't be w/o you baby. I'll be waiting until you home, b/c I can't sleep w/o you baby.

I have no idea where alla this came from, how it all began, but now we are stuck in this rut and it seems like it's only up to me to keep it all together. I'm fighting for what I love and what I believe in, but it's really hard to fight a war by yourself. What am I s'posed to do ? I know what I want and what I deserve, and I'm not getting either. I knew that it was going to be tough, and I can't just back out now b/c of the lack of things we're doing together as a couple, but I don't want him to think that how he is and how he's treating me is okay. Maybe the only option is to take time apart. I don't wanna force him to do something that he obviously isn't capable of doing. And I can't stay in this position where I'm allowing myself to cry and get upset over things that he does and doesn't do. We both agreed to stay in this relationship and we knew it was gonna be hard. This is just another bump in the road of dating a cop, right ? Maybe once he's off of midnights things will get better. I'm going to be the best girlfriend to Stan that I can be, but he needs to do the same.

We gotta stay tuned, cuz there's more to see, through the technical difficulties. We might have to take a break, but ya'll know we'll be back next week. I'm sayin' this love is unbreakable.I

Why is this still an issue?

I let these little things bug me, but I guess there's always a reason, right? I'm talking a/b Stan is his lack of answering phone calls from me. I know it may be completely unintentional, but it seems like it's on purpose since it happens all the time. It seems like he NEVER answers my calls on the first call, hell, not even the second call. But if his family calls he answers in the first two rings. I know that this is something really small, but it could lead into something really big. I guess the accident is still weighing on my mind since he didn't answer. I called him two, maybe three times. It wasn't until my mom called him, twice, that he decided to call back. Like, what was he doing that he couldn't even hear his phone during five calls? That could've been my dying phone call, and he would've been too busy with his boys. How would he feel then? Esp since he didn't even tell me that he was going out. That also bugs me. I always tell him where I'm going and who I'm gonna be with. Since he can't give me the same respect, it's not fair. I'm gonna talk to him a/b this whenever I see him, since this is obviously a big deal to me and I'm not getting over it as soon as I'd thought.

My dad wants to buy me a Civic. This goes to prove that my opinion means nothing. If he knew me, he'd know I really don't like Hondas. I want the Prelude, but nothing else. SOB. Just doesn't listen.

Opinionated

The deeper I go into this car thing, the more I realize that my opinion doesn't matter on this situation. Dad got super excited when he saw this one car and made me send in an email right away. But he didn't even ask me if I liked it. It seems like whatever I like, if there's even something small with it, and he has to haggle down the price and if they don't settle on where he is, it's not good enough. I found a Prelude that I REALLY liked. It needed some minor work, like a new sunroof and back tires, along with the usual registration and smog, but dad didn't wanna pay the $1700. The guy went down to $1500. I don't want a Nissan whatever. Or a Neon. I don't wanna have to settle for something that I'm not happy with driving. I'm not. If I don't like a car that he picks out, I'm not going to drive the damn thing, it's as simple as that. And then another thing that's upsetting me is how my dad doesn't want me to drive a stick b/c he hasn't seen me drive one. Well how can I show you that I'm a good driver in a damn stick if you don't wanna get me one? Hmm ? Does that even make sense ? If Stan says I'm pretty good at driving a stick, then I'm pretty damn good. I don't get my father. His mind is in fifty places where it shouldn't be.

Then my mother. So yesterday she was like it's fine that you don't get this car. But that's super easy for her to say. She's not stuck driving some rust bucket. I'm not gonna drive that damn Geo forever just b/c it's there. No. So I was upset and crying. And she bitched at me, saying I was doing too much. Bitch, stfu. Until you've been in my shoes, don't fuckin' judge me. I swear, my parents just don't make sense.

And Joi always needs to toss in her two cents into everything. As soon as we drove up there she kept saying it's not worth it, it's not worth, I have a car, I have a car. Nobody even asked you to fuckin' come. You only came b/c you were worried you were gonna miss something. And then you didn't even wanna walk me to the bathroom. And you scratch up my car. And yes, I'll call the rental my car b/c it is. Stupid slut. I dislike her. It's such a sad thing to say, but I was much happier as an only child. She needs to get over herself thinkin' she's this amazing girl and that she'll be rich. Dream big, but live in reality.

I've dropped Arch. There's no way I'm gonna pass that shit. I'm done with it. I can't get over it. I'm actually done with City College. It's taking me too long to get done here. The school is failing b/c of budget cuts and whack teachers/professors. They don't have tutors in all subjects and it doesn't help or benefit the students. I'll tell my parents this decision of mine later and hope they understand. It's sad, kinna. But I'm hoping that the AIoP will be more beneficial. I'm actually praying on it.

I'm debating whether I should even do Vegas. I didn't really wanna go there in the first place and I was semi pressured in to it by EVERYBODY. I don't need anybody's opinions when I have a million of my own. Paul thought of this master plan where we celebrate both of our birthdays on the same trip since we're only three days apart, but I know that something bad will come outta that. I know how he gets when he drinks, and I know how Stan gets when he drinks, and there is just no positive outcome when you combine the both of them. And Jess goes and tells Edgar awhile ago when we were at this party thingy for him. So that's how this whole thing blew outta proportion. I'm not feeling any of these situations. I'd rather do something small, like go to Sky High. I dislike how they don't have a private room where you can just jump around w/ only people you want there, but they do have a room reserved for two hours. It's something more my speed. And then we can go out later. I think this is a better plan, since I know that people will flake. I already know that my BFFF will be in Taiwan. And I know that Jess always has something to do. She hasn't been to a birthday of mine in a few years. Something always comes up with her greek. And it doesn't really bug me since I can see where her priorities are. And I'd rather save money for Valennersary. It seems to me that it would be cheaper to rent a big car thing to drive us there and to a dinner or whatever else than to fly to Vegas just to party.

I also wanna take these classes at Sky High. They're like fitness classes. I think once I get going on something fun to exercise, I'll keep it up. I love to stay fit, and I know there are certain areas of me that I can work on. I'm gonna try to bring Katt. I really don't even care if I have to go by myself though.

Car troubles.

I know today is gonna be bad b/c it started off kinna shitty. I woke up and decided to show my dad the cars I wanted offa Vehix since Craigslist was being retarded and we just couldn't find a car there. The truth of the matter is my dad is cheap and doesn't wanna spend more than $2500 on a car for me. WTF ? How am I s'posed to get a decent car for that price ? And since we're buying off of Craigslist there's no guarantee that what the people have in the ads are gonna be truthful. Why is he so damn cheap ? I'm so frustrated with this shit. I wanna hurry and transfer to the Art Institute and start working in that field to have a career that will help me finance my own damn car. This is so UGH. If that woman never hit me, I never would've been in this situation. I do NOT want a Dodge Neon. I really don't. But it seems like that's gonna be my option until "we find me a car" whatever that is s'posed to mean. I'm just going from one bucket to another, and I don't deserve this shit. I really don't. And it's not fair to me. I'm over this car situation, b/c my opinion really doesn't matter. B/c my dad is gonna buy whatever car he feels is the right fit for me. So I'm done trying to give my opinion, b/c it really doesn't even matter. I don't want an old car. I want something new. Not brand new, but something past the 90s. It's almost 2011, so to drive anything from the 90s is insane and almost obsolete. I'm done with this subject. All it does is upset me.

HELLA HOT

Wtf San Francisco ? Why are you treating me so poorly with this killer weather ? It is hella hot.

So, the other night I was with my boys. I think I was a bit wasted, cuz I was BURNING in the inside. Chris said I was gone since I poked myself in the eye. But I ALWAYS do stuff like that. Ahahah. There was as ALWAYS drama though. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Stan this week, and last night just proved my point. We had a big argument in the morning (but he likes to call it a heated discussion) a/b how I'm always second or third in his life, and then he went and did the same thing, which didn't make me feel any better. I seriously hope things will be better this week with him, b/c I don't need the same thing to happen to me for an entire month straight. I'm expecting something big for the lack of time I've got to spend with him this past month, but I know it won't happen.

Which leads me to my next point. I've come to the conclusion I'm expecting too much from the world. I should stop relying on everybody else. I shouldn't expect my parents to control their child, b/c that just seems too easy for them. I shouldn't expect my bf to always make me happy, b/c he has other things that he needs to do. I need to find a hobby. Something fun, that will keep my mind occupied. This way I can have something to make me happy. Or a pet. I need a pet. I just need something that'll be there for me unconditionally, b/c obviously the people that I thought were there, just aren't. People aren't being nice right now.

School. I'm waiting for this test form Arch. Basically, if I fail it, I'm done with this class. The end.

So, things are gonna work out.

I think things are gonna be going my way. The lady's insurance company realized that she was at fault, so now I don't have to sue. I still wanna read that report and give a royal lickin' to that damn CHP though, cuz I know that he knows that he was wrong. Racist ass. I'm getting a rental car 2m. Lucky me. I'm actually really excited a/b it. And dad is still trying to find me a car. I want a REAL car though. He keeps fiddling around on craigslist which isn't working. We need to just go to a dealership. We went to an auction today and I saw a car that I liked, but since there was too much damage, Dad said it wouldn't be worth it. I'm thinking a/b going back out there next Tuesday since it's always there. If they have something, I'll be happy. I wanna find something soon though, b/c Idk how long I'm gonna have the rental and I don't wanna get too comfortable in a nice car and then get downgraded super quick into a bucket. So there. Good news there.

I'm thinking a/b dropping ARCH. Idk if I'm gonna pass. And it's bugging me. I know that I'm gonna go to an online school after City. I could actually just start going there now. I just gotta get accepted. Which will hopefully happen soon. I'll send the woman a quick email and see what I need and what the requirements are. I want this to happen. I'll hope for the best.

As far as relationships go, I think mine is going okay. I love Stan to itty bitty pieces but I need him to give me more. I need help in keeping up with these finances w/h some of the things I think he should be chipping in on. We just had a talk a/b it and I hope he realizes that what I'm saying is true. I also hope that he starts to realize that he needs to start watching what he says. He needs to mean what he says and say what he means. And to stop throwing around the word promise like it's nothing. Promises mean a lot. And I dislike it if you're gonna say it and then not do it and not even have remorse a/b the situation. And finally on good news a/b our relationship. DISNEYWORLD IS SETTLED. I have everything planned. Just gotta book. I'm so excited. February couldn't be here fast enough for me. I hope everything is going to be super fun. I get excited just thinking about it.

I should get in bed, but I don't feel like it. This quiz that I have in ARCH 2m will determine if I stay in the class or not. And if I should start applying to the art institute. Oh yea.

Alla the things I wish I could

Prepare yourself, for this is going to be a long one.

I wish I could just whine to you and tell you that you can't always be cheap with things. I've been such a good girl and trying my hardest to get everything done. I should be rewarded with something of some sort, to my picking. I've been asking for a PROPER vehicle for the LONGEST time. And now after alla the troubles I've had with Putt Putt and the wagon, I'm stuck in this piece of shit Geo. I have no AC, no radio, the cigarette thingy doesn't even work so I can't even listen to my ipod, there is HELLA wind getting into that car, but not like a breeze. You can just hear it as you're driving in silence to wherever you are going. I can hear my mom "You should be grateful to even have a car, this and that, this and that, but NO I shouldn't. I should be grateful if I get something that doesn't make me feel like I'm the poorest person in the world. I'd be grateful if for once I got something that I wanted. I'd be grateful if I wasn't riding around in another bucket. But that's all I seem to get. I wish I had money stored or saved somewhere that I could just grab and buy another car, so that I wouldn't have to deal with this damn mess. Since this accident, there has been so much hatred. I'm taking alla my feelings out on everybody and I feel slightly bad. My mom doesn't wanna sue the bitch b/c she believes in karma and ect. But I'm just s'posed to let this go ? She made me ruin my chance of getting a decent car. Now Dad's off for a week and he's going to be even more determined to get me a car, but I know it's not going to be anything that I'd pick out for myself. And the CHP who was there is racist, so I know I'm gonna have to file a complaint against him. And since I'm pissed, I'm gonna sue his ass too. Maybe the whole damn CHP just b/c. And then Triple A wanted to be a cock sucking douche too. Wanted to lie, not give my dad a receipt, hold the car hostage. Ugh. i want things to go my way, but as of late, a lot of shit's been going sideways. Thank you Drake, for providing me with the perfect quote to describe my life's situation right now. I'm angry at Stan b/c he wasn't there for me. He didn't even tell me that he was going out. And I know if I did something like that, he'd flip. It's slightly unfair of him to do things like that. And I could've used him being there for my behalf. Son of a bitch. I'm just angry. I'm angry at the world b/c it seems like NOTHING is going my way, the cards are not looking to promising, the glass is half empty, whatever metaphor you wanna use, it's that.

That felt good. Now to some better news, I guess. I'm just a/b done planning the SECOND Valennersary trip !! Yay !! We're going to DisneyWorld. Yessss. Idk anybody who's been there. So I'm excited to go and experience it w/ Stan. We're going for six days. And Stan's gonna try to hook it up with a room at a Westin from his old coworker.We're hopefully gonna be staying here. It's looks amazing, and we'll prolly never have to leave our hotel for meals, which is good, since there are something like 17 on the grounds. And even if we stay in a small room, it'll be grand. The itinerary is even done. I broke it down day by day, and there maps that I can print out for each day with what we wanna do highlighted so we don't gotta wander around. I even marked w/h ones have FASTPASSES so we can grab those first. And our lunch stops are also on there. And thanks to my Sissy I can get a five day pass for HALF PRICE. Woot woot. So my trip will be cheaper than I originally thought. The only thing that's bothering me is the flights. There a lot of flight options, but I want the cheapest, with the best service. Southwest is cheapest, but they have horrible seating. But I like how bags fly free. But they don't really serve you food on the flights. Which sucks. I'll look more of this up later when I'm on my break.

Schooooooooool. I'm just not feeling it. Maybe I should just take online school. That would be better for me. I like being in the comfort of my own home. And I'll have more time to work or do whatever I wanna do. We'll see what happens. I gotta finish traffic school, since I'm on the subject of schooling. Get to it Jazminn.

Makes moves

Accident
I gotta do a LOT for this shit. That stupid bitch. I didn't blog a/b it, but there's no need. There's a bunch of liars involved in this thing.

School
I'm almost at the point of giving up on Arch. This class is killing me. I can't drop though, cuz it's already past the date. I think from here on out, I'll just do exceptionally well, or at least my best. My night class.. those teachers need a reality check. I don't care a/b what you two did for a living. I need you to teach me how to get to a career. I don't need you to show 40 slides and expect me to stay awake. My attention span isn't all that great. I lose you at the fifth slide. I just tune you out. And you're not even teaching me anything. All you're saying is read the book. And to be honest, I haven't read anything b/c I don't think it'll make that much of a difference. This class along with arch makes me wanna switch careers. But I've already invested so much time in it, might as well go along with it.

Relationship
Lately, we haven't been spending as much time with each other. It's not exactly his fault, it's the fault of his job. It sucks and I'm taking it out on him. I know I should just be grateful for the time I do get to spend with him. But then he does things that makes it difficult. Like going back on his word. I told him how I felt, and it's reached a point of where now he needs to prove it to me.

Hip, hip, HOORAY !

School
I'm doing better in Geo. I'm proud of myself. I'm hella happy. And now I'm starting to get slightly lazy in Bio. I guess I just realized that I have a lot of common sense and a lot of people don't use theirs in that class. It's kinna frustrating. Well, I gotta step up a bit more in Arch. I'm slippin', and it's not gonna be pretty in the future. Just keep it up. You don't want an a, you just wanna pass.

Relationship
I think thing have gotten better. We'll see next week when I see him again. For more than just 18 hrs. I disliked this past week b/c hella shit happened and it caused tension. Tension is bad. But we're moving on.

Ugh.

Relationship
I should've known that writing alla that good stuff a/b my relationship would've jinxed it. I should've known that I was putting alla the good times in jeopardy. And I did. Now we're fighting over stupid stuff. Well, it really isn't stupid. I ranted about it for a good hour to Katy last night over everything. And I felt better after. But the thing is if I could blab on for an hour a/b that for an hour, I could write an essay a/b it here. Mainly, I need more attention. Not to say I don't get lots of attention, but I don't get lots of individual attention. It sucks. We argued, and it seemed like it was all for nothing. Like, a waste of time since he wouldn't be able to fix it this weekend since he wanted to spend time with his family, ect. Now he works. I feel bad b/c he only had one day off, but I'm kinna happy b/c I'm selfish and I feel like if I can't have him, nobody else can. He's transferred stations to his probation station. I like how that rhymes, ahahah. Anyway, he'll be there for a year. Right now he's on days, but it's on temporary for around two weeks. Then he gets a schedule change. It can't get worse than what he has now, so hopefully it'll be okay.

School
I gotta get my shit together in geo. I keep getting 70s on quizzes. I gotta do better than that. Maybe study harder? I really don't know. I'm also kinna irked over this design class. The teachers are garbage. Like, seriously. They don't work well together. They're not cohesive as a unit. There. I said it. They each give a lecture a/b something useless. And then it doesn't make sense. I don't see why both of them teach together. They don't make it clear. One says something and the other just goes against it. It makes the students go back and do a double take and wonder wtf just happened? The only class I really like is Bio. I feel comfortable in that class. I like that class and the people I sit with. I should start my arch hw, since I know it'll be difficult for me. I have to work on drawing figures, but Idk how I'm gonna do it since I don't have a drafting table. Or a regular table.

Work
Idk what happened. I need to find something. Soon. The end.

Life

Relationship
This relationship is going so well. Stan is being super good to me. And now I'm starting to see how awesome he is and how lucky I am to have him. I just wish he could say some of these things back to me, you know ? Anyway, I get to spend another weekend with him. Hopefully this one will be just as awesome as the last few have been. I'm hoping so.

School
I'm actually focusing on school. Instead of just being lazy with my classes, I'm staying up on my shit. Yay me. So far I'm only missing one assignment for Arch, but it's just a load of crap. That class irks me. The teacher doesn't explain much, but I'm a bit ahead of the class in my understanding of all of the tools, so I hope that it'll show and I'll stay there. Ugh. My design class... these teachers are slow. They never let us out early, they blab and blab about things that aren't relevant to the entire class, show slides about things and don't really explain them AND show a million at once. They should be a bit more understanding and realize that we have smaller attention spans, that we need breaks, that the class is at night and most of us work during the day. Ugh. Bio is fun. I love my group. I hope to stay in touch with them. They're super fun. Hella like a girl power type of thing, ahahaah. Geo is only fun b/c I'm taking it with Nina ! Woot woot. If it weren't for her, I'd die in that class. I need to try to beat that Jasper dude to the other side of the table. I'll try on Thursday. Wake up super duper early.

Work
I have an interview Wednesday for a simpler job, hopefully I'll get it. If not, I just applied for a job at Enterprise rental service and they said a recruiter would be with me w/in five business days, so I'm looking forward to that. I need monies and soon. Bills suck. I gotta make sure I stay up on this payment before I fall behind.

Love

Love can make you do crazy things.
Love can make the smallest things seem so much bigger.
Love is an emotion that is super hard to describe.
Love is what I've found in Stanislav K. Bratchikov. Even when we argue over doughnuts and who gets to pick the next movie, it's awesome. Spending full weekends with him like a normal couple is something I NEVER would've thought could happen until we were like.. engaged, but it has happened, and I'm excited it's happening. Hopefully it'll stay this way, forever.

Ugh

So, I'm having another pity party for myself, but I mean, I brought it upon myself. Let's just say I did something hella stupid but now it's okay. I just gotta move on.

School's started. It's so much fun. Little classes, but I'm working my ass off. I will get this shit done. No doubt.

I'm looking for a new job. It's not worth the drama, the headache, the heat, or the pay for alla that work. Thinking a/b quitting soon. Hmm.

I gotta finish this arch hw. I have hella for that class. And my design 101 class since the fucking teachers suck at teaching. I'm rating them poorly. Ahahha.

Managing

Personal
I should have Stan's tv paid off in 10 months, if I simply pay $75 a month. I'm learning how to save my finances for things that I really need instead of just going out and spending money whenever I feel like it. I also must save for Vegas (if that's even still happening) and for Disneyworld for our three year. Maybe I can get by some what since it'll be my birthday for Vegas. But Disneyland is EASILY $800 for a week. That's a lot of money. Which is why I need a real job. Argh. Something more stable. I mean, GA is fun, but it'll be weekends only soon, and that's barely enough to have me get by, you know ? Ugh. It's so hard growing up

People
-I wish that others can see how retarded they look on the outside. Like this one guy I know. So fulla crap it's insane. I wish that I didn't even have to deal with it. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who realizes it.
-I met one of Stan's cop buddies, Jason, and he's a cool guy. Hooray for Stan for not having all stupid friends. Ahahahhaha.

Relationship
It's almost me and Stan's 2.5 year anniversary. I know what I wanna do, but Idk if it'll be enough. I want it to be special, memorable, you know ? This is my longest relationship now. I'm excited. What should I do ? Ugh. I wonder what he's gonna do. B/c if he's gonna do the same thing, it's not gonna work. I need space... Hmm.

School
School is starting on the 16th. Omgah. I'm at 14 units now, and wanna get in one more night class to finish this one class. Next semester I should only be taking classes for my major. Woot woot. And poly sci. Then I should be ready to go and transfer. My major is so difficult, so many damn classes that have a million pre reqs. I'm gonna talk to dad and order books tonight.

2m is Katy's family bbq picnic thing and I'm excited a/b it. I love my bfffffff with a passion.

Anger.

Family
Why is it that they are never on your side when you need them to be ? I swear, the way my mom does things and treats me and Joi is completely unfair. I just want her to be on my side, and hear my opinion on things. She always make it seem like I'm the bad guy. Case in point, today while we were at Westlake, Joi decides to kick me in the frickin' leg for no reason. She had intended to trip me, but missed, kicked my leg, and stepped on my new shoes. Now, if I did any of that to her, in the middle of a parking lot, where there were HELLA cars zooming by, I know she'd be hella scared. She just needs to realize what the hell she is doing. The dumb ho doesn't ever think before she acts. So, today was also Mom's birthday, so happy birthday. I know it wasn't a good one, but it started and ended with your other daughter being a bitch. Blame her. I just react and suddenly I'm the one who caused it all. What the fuck ever.

Friends
So the past two nights I went over to Edgar's and chilled with him and his group of friends. Um, awkward to the max. I wish I didn't even go to the first one on Thursday. That was just all bad. Hella drama over nothing. Well, maybe it was over something, but I know I didn't need to be involved in it. I didn't like the situation I was put in that night, and I know it'll never happen again. I will never hold back my feelings for the sake of somebody else. Sorry. Then last night, it was a bit more chill, but I wasn't feel the environment. I sat and played Peggle all night. Well, for like an hour. Ahahaha. Jess & Katt watched. Then I lost and got bored, so I decided that it was just time I bounced. So we left. I didn't even get a chance to talk to Edgar a/b how I felt a/b all that happened last night, but I think he got the point through alla the texts that were sent. Tonight it's just gonna be me and the girls doing what we do best, EATING. Ahahahah.

Misc
Why do people dress so poorly now a days ? I mean, even if you're dressed down, make an effort. Even when I'm ugly, I'm cute. I couldn't stand some of the shit that people were wearing at that event last night. Like, seriously. Why would you even leave your house in those outfits ? I'm too honest. I have a mouth that shouldn't be filtered, ahahahah.

Wow.

Misc.
I thank Stan for having common sense in our relationship, even though I do wanna progress it. I'm reading a/b alla these couples who are my age and living together, and how they're breaking up. It's kinna whatever. It sucks balls. I mean, you should know that you're not old enough to handle that type of stress in a relationship. It's no beuno. I want to live with Stan, but for selfish reasons. I think that I'd get sick of him if I were to really see him everyday of my life. So to alla the couples out there who thought they were different and that love would make it all easy, ahaha in your face. Grow up. This is real life, not a fairy tale.

Relationship
My boyfriend is officially 23 ! I love him so. I gave him a surprise, a 40 inch screen Samsung TV. I think he was shocked. I also think he was a bit upset that I bought him something so big, so soon. I knew he liked it, but I also was upset at his reaction. That's why I'm no longer do surprises. I can't read reactions. They kinna make it not worth it. But I hope I don't regret this choice. And I have to pay it off soon. Omgah, I really did that. Today his family is gonna have a picnic or something.. I think I'm gonna go and feel really awkward. Hmm.

Family
I missed a big family picnic to spend time with Stan, and I feel bad. I know today there will be a small argument over this. It just sucks. But this is life. We can't be us if we're not arguing. I hope the picnic was fun.

Things change, quickly.

Relationship:
Yesterday was Stan's 23rd birthday ! Yay. I went out to eat with his family minus his brother b/c he's away at camp to Banana Island. Yummy as always. I thought we would be hanging out that night, but we didn't. If I knew that then, I wouldn't have rushed alla way home to change and look pretty. Oh well, I think we are hanging back out tonight. I should cash this damn check quickly though. I gotta get him his SURPRISE. Hopefully this won't be that bad of a surprise, and that he likes it. I'm gonna be super upset if he's already got one. Like how I've had no input on the place and the things I was gonna do, he suddenly already has. I mean, since I'm not gonna move alla way in, why should I ? It just bugs me since I had alla these ideas and they're going to waste. I know what to expect later though. If that later ever comes.

Work:
I think it's gotten better. Now there's only tension with one of the workers who just doesn't do anything. But whatever. Oohh, happy birthday Charlotte ! She's 18 today, hooray for her. Ahahaha. I think work is just gonna be bleh b/c alla these people have hella sides and I'm just flat. I wanna go back to work and take pictures with everybody. Hmm, maybe one day.

I think I should shower and get ready now for my long ass day. I gotta run to the bank, first thing today. That's most important. Then.. Idk what me and Stan are gonna do.

Biting my tongue

Work
I won't name names, but there are just some people I can't stand. I don't know why you all think you're the shit. Why you're all so cool. I'm not gonna kiss somebody's ass to be their friend. And I realized how fake all of you people are. I just won't participate in your activities. I'll go to work, do my job, smile and leave. Sounds like a plan to me, does it to you ? This season is almost over though, thank gahh. I gotta learn Lucy, but I'm kinna sketch a/b it. I mean, they already took me out the show and put in somebody else who I think isn't even that good of a dancer.. but that's life. I'm gonna take it and live with it. I might just go again and take pictures and make alla these people really see how I roll. Ahahahha.

Relationship
Omgah, it's almost Stan's 23rd birthday. It's on the 23rd, kinna cool, right ? Ahahah. Well, I asked him what he wanted and he said a couch, so that's what he's gonna get. I wanted to do something else.. but Idk. A couch already is pretty expensive. Maybe I'll save that other thing for our 2.5 year anniversary, which is next month. Omgah. Time files. I'm loving how things are coming along. It's soo nice. I really wanna bring up this thing that's bugging me, but I know if I say anything, it'll ruin our nice mood. Maybe I'll say something as he picks me up after work.

School
It's a/b to start soon. I'm gonna take two night classes. Ahhh. I really don't wanna, but I have to so I can get outta City faster. It's just a small thing that'll lead me to a big thing. Yay.

Misc.
I don't have anything to put here. Nothing else really is happening. It's kinna blah in life right now.

Mmkayyyy

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So, let's recap

I transferred departments at work. I'm now in entertainment. Come visit and see if you can spot me at work in my character suit. Woot woot ! I like the job more, but the people are kinna crazy. Like, super wacky. I go back on Friday to learn more stuff a/b the job. I lucked out with my days off b/c they're the same as boyfriend's.

Boyfriend. Omgah, so there was drama yesterday. Like, big drama. I think I just woke up in a bad mood, so I took it out on him in the very beginning. Then I went over to the condo. Stan finally got a bed, so he wanted to sleep there. Um, we slept, sexytimed, slept. I got hungry so I went to 7-11 to grab a quick bite. I found his stash of stoges. That bugged me but I left it alone. And then we had a big fight a/b it around 8. I just left. I didn't wanna be around him. I think we're okay now. We had a super long talk a/b a lot of different things last night/this morning. I will love him regardless, I just wish he didn't try to cover things up. This is the last time I'm ever gonna deal with this shit again. We're s'posed to be hanging out later tonight for a late night hype. We should watch Toy Story. And be fat with popcorns and stuff. Yea.

I figured out what I wanna for my 21st birthday. Something small, but hella fun. Yay.

I'm waiting for a response from Stan for our plans. Maybe I'll finish cleaning ?

Lucky me

Everything happens for a reason. Omgah. I was so excited to meet the head of the department that I wanna transfer to the other day at work. I can actually do this. I just gotta put in a request. And with this, I think I'll be much happier. I did sweep yesterday, then roving, then sweep again during the Jai Ho festival. I got picked to work there. Yess. Omgah, I need to mention that one of the supervisors looks like Erik. It's soo weird. I look at the Supe and see Erik. It's bugging, but I'm gonna manage since I'm gonna be transferring soon. I feel bad since Tiffany kinna went outta her way to help me, but I mean, it's nothing personal. This is just what I wanna do. Ahh.

Anyway, today I should be cleaning my room, It's super messy. I'm hoping that mom will just get to it. Ahahha. And then I'm spending the day with my boyfriend. His second phase is a/b to start. 9-7am. I'm kinna glad he has this phase now b/c that means he'll stay w/ mornings for the time until shift sign ups. I want him to stay with Swing. He likes it, and I do too.

I got a new phone, by accident, ahahah. I dropped it in water at work. And it drowned pretty much. So now I'm rockin' the Flight. I knewe it was the one I wanted from awhile ago. It's a nice phone. And the guy who sold it to me was cool. Hooray for Michael.

Mmkay, time to get ready.

Hella.

Gahh, lots of stuff is different since the last time I was on here. Idk why I'm soo lazy to just turn the laptop on and punch buttons. Anyway, I started working at Great America. Yay, kinna. I love the fact that I have a job, but the drive is already starting to wear on me and I just don't like how I'm doing EVERYTHING. I need to be doing something else.. transfer seems to be a good choice. I'll see a/b doing that pretty soon. Um, my little sister is now 14. We (the fam+Katt) went to Santa (I almost typed Satan, is that a sign ?) Cruz for her birthday. I need to talk to my doctor a/b my Vertigo b/c it's coming back and it suckssss. The last ride we went on I got hella sick. And Joi's phone fell outta her pocket, but it mysteriously landed okay. Ahahaha. Stupid phone. Anyway, my little cousin Soyhala graduated high school and she's off to Sac. Yay Faveee. You know I'm super proud of you. Don't forget to visit me. The condo is almost done, like SERIOUSLY now. The floors are in. I guess now that's left is furniture. I'm gonna check out this one store in San Mateo today by myself to get some things, b/c I'm tired of just waiting around for things to happen. If I don't take initiative, it seems like things never get done.

Um, I'm starting to see how important words are, and how important it is to choose them wisely. It's starting to bug me now more than ever when a person says I promise and they break that promise. Don't make me empty promises anymore. Don't even say anything if you're not 100% that you'll be able to do it.

My sister graduates on Thursday. And she wants BeniHana for her meal. I went to Hungry Hunter. That's super unfair, but whatever. The times have changed. I invited Stan, but Idk if he'll come. Something always manages to happen with him. And I'm not gonna fret b/c he's not gonna ruin my little sister's day. So there. I know my bfffffffffffff will be there.

I guess I should be getting ready for whatever. Yea.

I'm so lost

I don't know what the hell happened, but something happened. I think in the end it'll be worth it, but I don't know. I'm just soo bleh. Like seriously. What they hell is going on ? How should I be feeling.

And today I realized that I'm such a changed person. I can do whatever the hell I want, but it's how I FEEL as I'm doing it that makes me different. I felt bad. I feel bad. I might just try it for a bit though. I'm sooo ready to just drop it though. We'll see what happens.

I'm gonna be ready for school this week. I'm gonna actually do homework. I haven't in a while.

I feel sick. I came home last night (or this morning if you wanna be super technical) and then I just THREW up. It was soo weird. I NEVER throw up and for this to happen freaked me out. I think it's the Orajel. Cuz now that I took some, I'm starting to feel the same way that I did yesterday. It's seriously weird. Hmmm.

Um.. yea. Today's.. I don't know. I feel.. Idk.

I'm tired

I should sleep. I DO have school 2m. But today is Stan's first day PATROLLING. I haven't blogged in soo long. There was the banquet and graduation, which I have to upload videos for. Today's his first shift, and he's off at 2am. It really isn't that bad. I'm okay with this shift. I just feel bad b/c I can't see him or hear from him since I'll be sleeping when he's working. Ahhh.

I haven't heard anything from the place.. which is starting to scare me. Idk what's going on. I'm hoping that it'll be soon. I hate worrying over things.

I've been reading this book called "I Love a Cop" and it's helping me get in tune with what he's going through. It is also telling me what I should and shouldn't be accepting as okay behavior. I'm learning a lot and I'm glad Stan bought me the book.

2m I'm going to go donate blood. I'm gonna eat something REALLY fatty before I go. Maybe that way I can actually do it. Stupid anemia. It worked the first time. Then I gotta get a mani pedi for the funeral.

Thursday is the funeral for Uncle Rocky. Omgah, it's soo hard to believe that he's gone. He was here. And I feel terrible for not saying goodbye. I'm just not that type of person.

Um, I really don't know what else to say. Condo is nearly finished. The painting should be all done. Just flooring is left. Then furniture. Omgah.

Mmkay, I'm gettin' in the bed. My eyes are super heavy.

Yayayyayay!!

Hella good news.

I have a JOB !!! Woot woot !!! Thanks to everybody at Wild 949 who listened to my story and put it all together. I'm working at Great America this summer. Yay. So that's that news.

Stan will be outta the academy in FOUR days. Omgah. I didn't think we'd make it. Now it's almost over. I gotta find a new outfit for his graduation. Maybe just a top or something to match some pants that I already have. I really don't wanna just keep spending, but ehh.
-Condo should be ready soon. I'm excited. I'm gonna move out and move in with him. I was looking around and seeing a lot of good deals for furniture. I also wanna do some bargain shopping. I love thrift shopping.

So now there's school. I'm just hanging in. I just gotta pass.

Another nine days has passed

Omgah, I let another nine days go by without blogging. The usual will be stated, and then the random ones underneath.

Boyfriend. Um, So I gave up on the email. He didn't do it, so I just dropped it. It was too hard for him I guess. He said he's still gonna do it, but I'm not even worried about it. I mean, it shouldn't have taken him a month to do. It's crazy. I can write an email hella quick. Once I start typing, alla my thought just fall outta my mind and onto the screen. Why can't he do the same ?
-Condo is still the same as it was in the last post. There hasn't been much improvement. Um, the curtains are up in the bedroom. We gotta find new ones for the living room since the old ones were too short. I found out that the standard length for a curtain in 54 inches. That's good to know for my future references. The hallways, office and bathroom are primed. The living room is painted. Maybe by the end of next week, everything will be painted. Painting is the hard part outta alla this I think. Omgah. It's just taking forever. I would've hired somebody and that would've been done forever ago. I would've had this place done FOREVER ago. I understand that money is an issue, but time is also an issue, if you can't realize that. But whatever. They can just keep on ignoring me. I'm just a girl and I don't know anything.

So, I think I've finally gotten closer to finding a job. Thanks to TWITTER. I asked Jon Manuel a question over twitter and he helped me out. He, JV, and Christie interviewed me. Go here and click on April 16th, fast forward about 20 minutes, and you'll hear my interview with them on WiLD94.9 ! Yess. Hopefully things will happen. I have an interview on Sunday. And hopefully I hear something back from the place in Fremont. That's something that I want more than anything. I hope that there are more options that'll come in from over the weekend.

Um... that's all that I wanna say. I'm tired. I have jury duty 2m, so I'm taking the day off and focusing just on that.

My gah.

I have to write more often. I have so much to tell you, but prolly not enough time. The last time I blogged was on the 21st. That's like, two weeks ago ? Gahh. Mmkay.

I thought Stan was stepping up, but he really isn't. He's faking it. He's using sleep overs to ease his way outta trouble, but it's not working. At least not for me anyway. I asked him to write me an email a/b two weeks ago. And he has yet to do it. If it's not done by the end of this week, that's it. He's getting too comfortable and I don't appreciate it. Seriously, how long is it to write an email ? Put some pen to a fuckin' piece of paper to let me know how you feel ? It's unfair for me to be taken for granted when I treat him so well and give him everything that I have. I should be getting the same in return. At least once a week. I just feel soo ignored.
-Maybe once the condo is done, there will be more time. Omgah, the condo. It's FINALLY coming along. I love to see results. My vision come to life. The kitchen and bathroom are done. Living room, office, and bedroom need to be completed. Carpet in the bedroom, then furniture. Paint in office and living, floors, then furniture. I said we should look at Ikea for furniture, since they seem to be pretty cheap.
-The academy is also almost over. Just three more weeks and he's a graduate and a full time cop. It's seriously freaking me out. What if he's in a bad neighborhood ? Ohh, I also just found out that once he's a cop, he has four months of probation. So that could mean more time for me since the academy is over (w/h I REALLY doubt) or EVEN LESS time that what I'm getting now since he'll be scrutinized over his every more for four months. I shouldn't worry a/b any of this now, but I seriously can't help it. I have needs and wants too. And he's not meeting them. Not evening coming close. We had our first date in over a month last weekend thanks to his mom who shoved us out of the condo to have one.
-Speaking of his mom, we're bonding. I feel sooo good. I love talking to her. I think it's so cute when she says that she needs me around b/c alla the boys (Stan, Alex [his brother], and Stan's dad) always gang up on her. She needs me to help voice her opinion. And we surprisingly agree on almost everything related to the house.Yay for bonding.

School. Ugh. I'm so over it. I've come to terms that I have to retake a lot of classes and might not graduate when I want to, but whatever. It's a part of life. I really don't wanna even go on a/b school. I gotta finish this project for history this weekend. Must do stats. And some Russian. Alla this while going out tonight and spending time with my boyfriend. Yay.

I'm going out tonight ! With Soyhala and Katy. I promised Soyhala that as soon as she hit the big 18 I'd take her out to a club. So we're going to Mist. I should google how to get there real quick. And yea. I hope I have fun. I'm not wearing anything super fancy. Just a nice shirt and some booty shorts. Then I gotta figure out shoes. I was thinking heels, but Idk if I wanna do alla that. I should just toss on some flats. But then.. none of mine are all that fancy. Hmm. I'll think of something.

Family. I'm currently in trouble b/c I let the credits expire for the trip. Idk how to tell my dad that we booked a flight and the flight was last month so that money is gone. Um, yea. I'm fucked. I'm waiting on mom to get home so I can get a mani/pedi real quick. I need one. I'm thinking of a mint green finger. But then a dark green toe is like, ugly. Ahahah. Again, I'll thinking of something.

I need sleep.

I've been so tired lately. All I wanna do is sleep. I wish I didn't always wake up early. But I do, and it sucks. So, where I should I begin ?

School, I need a break. I'm soo happy this upcoming week starts spring break, b/c I need it. I need to see my girls, my new friends, and simply sleep in and not worry a/b school. I have my art project due Tuesday, and I'm NO WHERE near complete. I have to do like, three saturation charts, and then I have to gray down my pictures for the saturation pictures. I must complete this. If I do, I'll be all good. I'll paint as much as I can 2m. Hopefully it's a lot. Turn in what I can on Tuesday. Then I can just do a saturation chart from then on out until the end of the semester and turn everything in. I gotta keep up this semester so I can get outta here. Then for Russian.. omgah. I'm like, so over this class. How sad is that ? Krista isn't making the class fun anymore. I was all excited last semester and wanted to learn, but now.. I don't really care. We have a test 2m, and I'm thinking a/b skipping it and retaking it on Wednesday so I can.. you know. But maybe I won't even do that. Maybe I'll just write a note out to myself and help myself thatta way. I'm doing really good in stats. I'm proud of myself for sticking with this class and not giving up. I'm doing alla hw even though it upsets me sometimes. And then health, blah. I gotta let my nerves go at the door before I enter that class. No matter what group I'm in, I'm always the one doing alla talking. It's annoying. And the teacher isn't all that good in enforcing other people to talk. She shouldn't let the asian people just walk out like that. If they try to join our group, I'm not letting them in. They didn't contribute. Then history. Omgah, I just sit, take notes. Love this class. My favorite it.

Boyfriend. Omgah, he's finally stepping up. He still has a week left of probation though. But he made a big improvement when he asked me to sleep over Saturday. I was super shocked. That NEVER happens. I always have to beg and plead him to do it. But these time he asked. I mean, we didn't go on a date or have any alone time this weekend, but it was nice still spending the night with him. Saturday, he picked me up and we went to eat and then we waited for Nick to come and get us cuz he needed to get drywall. Luckily we were there b/c he didn't know that he needed gypsum board instead of just regular drywall. Then we had to carry it. Omgah, heavy stuff. Then me and Nick chilled at his place. Then Chris and Ellen came over. Yay, another girl. We all got hungry and then decided to go to Hooters. I felt bad and didn't wanna order w/o Stan so I held up the process. We ordered hella starters. They were all sooo good. Then we laughed lots, ordered meals, ate up, went back to Nick's. We watched The Hurt Locker. Um, that movie wrecked my nerves. It was horrible. Too many people died and it was just stressful. Ahahaha. But I guess it was good. I stayed up for the whole movie. Then me&Stan came back to my place, sexytimed. Ko'ed woke up, tried something new. Went to eat, then he dropped me off. I'm sooo glad that our relationship is finally getting back on track. I love him soo much.

Friends. I'm gonna spend more time with friends. Swear, hands down. Spring break, that's all I'm gonna do. Ohh, I just got an idea. C;

I gotta get in bed now. I'm exhausted. I'm debating if I should go go to class 2m. Ahhhhh. We'll see what happens.

It's been a lot of days.

So, I really can't remember all that's been happening. I guess that means I should start with Saturday, since that's all that I can recall. Soo, I woke up and went a/b my normal morning routine. Stan just said to meet him at the condo b/c his mom was rushing him to get over there. I was upset. I get him once a week, and he was spending the time at the condo, starting renovations. I thought to myself if I should even go, b/c that day was Jayden's birthday. I knew that if I didn't go, I wouldn't see him until later that day. I thought a/b it, and just decided to go spend the day with him. Though we didn't really spend time together. After alla the work at the condo, he went home to shower and change, and we were gonna meet up later. So, around 8, he comes back to my house and we struggle to find something to do, as always. If I don't come up with something, there's nothing for us to do. So I decided movies. And so we went to see She's Outta My League. Ohh, I must remind myself that we weren't kissing the whole day, b/c I was upset. He asked for kisses and hugs the whole day, and I just shrugged him off. So after the movie, I gave him an ultimatum. He has two weeks to shape up his game. I'm NOT gonna take the bullshit, the neglect, the hurt from him. I'd rather just take the pain knowing that he's not there than the pain from us being in a relationship, if that even makes sense. So then, after that, we decided to go to the hookah bar to meet up with Paul and his new girlfriend.. Monica ? I think that's a hooker name, but that's just my opinion. Anyway, we were waiting in there for like, an hour. These people should make damn reservations. But even after alla that, me being squished and people in my personal space, Paul and Monica never appeared. So we went over to Nick's house. Drank some, woke up, and experienced the weirdest time change. So he just took me home and left. Next day, I went back over to the condo to help, but me and Stan wound up going to the Home Depot to look at cabinets and getting estimates for them. Sucked balls. Then we went back to the house, and I went home. In case you haven't been keeping track, yes, two days, one whole weekend, without sex. I am deprived, but it gets worse. I didn't get any the weekend before that either. Oh, what I life I live. What did I do to deserve that ? Maybe I'll get some this weekend. And if not, he can just forget it, forget it all.

Um, I've been doing well in some classes, super slacking in others. I'm going back to art class, but I'm super not caring a/b Russian anymore. I was taking too much time for my other classes focusing on that one, and now I'm like, what the hell is the point of that ? So now I'm focusing more time on the classes that matter. And I'm getting ready for the transfer. So HOLLA.

I should be working on my hw now. I have a lot to do. I want a cold drink. Where to get one ?