I don't know what the hell happened between me and Stan. Things have changed, and definitely not for the better. Our arguments have changed drastically. They are no longer small retarded things. They are huge things. Things that I'm not even sure of how to fix. I'm not happy. And I've been contemplating leaving him. Yes, that is true. It's freaking me out. But I've been thinking about our relationship. Right now, there's no way we can get time together. This dog wasn't a good idea. It would've been easier if it was a smaller dog, but now we gotta work it out. Stan claims he would like if I moved in with him in about a year. We have a dog. I can't just leave my dog at home. I can't. Stan picked this dog and he isn't doing anything for it. It makes me super sad. Now I have to make a ton of hard decisions about him. Do I move in, leave him with somebody? Give him up just b/c I want time with my boyfriend? That's not fair to this dog. I could just get a place of my own that's pet friendly. Then he can sleepover. But that is a big waste of money. And then I'm thinking about how things are rough now. It's not like it'll just get better with time. The time won't change Stan's schedule. Even if I do decide to move in with Stan w/n the next year or whatever the time frame is, that doesn't mean that I'll get to see him more. I'll see him the same amount of time. I had no idea dating a cop would be this difficult. Things were easier then. It would've been perfect if he just moved into a place that was pet friendly. I just had an idea! Yay for my small brain that has awesome bursts of good ideas! Anyway, if I get the papers to say that I need a service dog, that can't tell me I can't have him. So BAM. I just beat the system. So that solves the dog prollem. Yes. Omgah, why didn't I think of this before I just ranted? But time will STILL be an issue. And quite frankly, I am an not a patient person. And for our present problem. I need attention. Attention he doesn't have the time to give. And when he has the time, he doesn't have the energy. And when he has energy, I'm not up for it b/c something he did earlier pissed me off. There's a bunch of small things that aren't going well in our relationship and neither of us know how to fix them. My whole thing is that I know I'm not happy with him, but I know that I won't be that much happier with out him. Do I just want to play the waiting game and see if things get better?
Schoool
I will start doing my best from now on. I gotta. I also have to go up to Burton and pick up a copy of my transcript. I'll do that Monday. I have hella errands to run. SOB. And then art school starts on Thursday. I'm enrolled in comp literacy, color theory for patterns, and drawing. Sucks a lot, b/c I'm not a good draw-er. Omgah, in my night class, we're doing this group project, and there's this one group that can not get along for anything. They were SCREAMING at each other the other day. They need to just sit down and focus. And it's weird how they don't get along since they all sit in the same area of the classroom. I love my group b/c we work well together. And in the end, this is ONE project. It doesn't mean anything. I wanna talk to a counselor to see if I have enough credits to get my AA. I want to make my mom happy, and I know that getting it will.
Friends
I feel like such the bad guy. I set them up and now they're having the world's worst issues. I'm so sorry. But I am here for you. It's almost your birthday and though I won't legally be able to celebrate with you, I wish you all the best. I also realized that I have NO idea what I want to do for my birthday, if anything. Maybe I'll be like Jess and have an anti-21. I've done everything there is to do for that day, so it's not like it matters. I also have to save for Disneyworld, which is a ton of dollars. And I don't have a ton of dollars atm. I need to find a job. Hopefully towards January I'll find one since I'll be free alla time. Hmm.. Hopefully I'll think of something.
Puppy
He's getting sooo big now. He's settling down and everything. He knows when it's play time, when it's chill time. He knows when I'm sad. I was crying the other day and he put is paw on my chest and I couldn't help my smile. He's starting to have his own personality. I just wish he was alla way house trained so I could leave him home not in his crate. Hopefully soon. He has school 2m and I hope they teach me something.
Family
So, I really feel like I don't belong in this family. I'm the black sheep. I'm the good one, I'm not ghetto, I don't go around being bad and disobeying rules just b/c they're there. I do things by the book, I speak proper English, I dress in clothes that look decent. I really want to leave this house. I gotta look into registering my dog, and fast. If it's a long process, it needs to happen now. I want it to ready for when I move out. I can't do this with these people. Today, we're all eating BK in the car. I open my chicken fries, and Joi doesn't even ask if she can have one. She just wiggles her hand in front of me and expects me to just give her whatever. She's so damn rude. That's not how you get shit in the world, and that's definitely how to not get shit with me. And then my dad wants to laugh at me when I spill soda on my shirt. He didn't even offer a damn napkin. And then he wants to eat my fries. What the hell is up with people just taking shit w/o asking? It's rude. I wouldn't mind giving you whatever I have, but you gotta be able to ask nicely. And my mom isn't really all that better. She's hit menopause and it's her way for everything. She bitches for no reason. She angers me. Seriously angers. She doesn't do anything but bitch and scream. Today Joi got her iPod, and I was s'posed to get my laptop But it turns out that the best laptop is way more expensive than the netbook I had originally planned to get. And it seems like everybody is bitching at me. I did what I needed to do. I checked all of the websites and there was nothing. Sometimes you can't be cheap. They're expecting my financial aid to just pay for this crap.It prolly won't. Idk how it even works since I'm not getting a check in the mail. I surely hope something good will come outta this.
Stan's s'posed to be coming over today so we can finish our talk that we started yesterday, but Idt that it'll happen. And if he does, it'll be for an hour tops. I'm numb to this shit now, and it makes me cry b/c I shouldn't have to be accustomed to this feeling.
Why is the weatherman lying to me? It hasn't rained in a long time.
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