Omgah. There's so much to say. My birthday just passed, and it was plenty fun. Minus when Stan was a douche. I think he enjoys pushing my buttons lately, and I'm just getting sick of it. I don't remember much, but I know there are a few pictures and it was a hectic night.
I gotta get a lot off my chest a/b this relationship of me and Stan. So, we had another really long talk the other night, mainly through text, but a talk nonetheless. Basically, I'm trying to change our relationship so that I'm not begging for more time, and working his nerves. I decided that if needed, I'd give Vasiliy up right now (though it would kill me) if we would move in to the condo right now. He doesn't wanna do that until his loan is payed off. So basically I feel as if he's not ready, and will never be ready, to take our relationship to a new level. He's too scared to do anything, and that pisses me off. We're stuck in a rut, and he doesn't seem to think so. I get him for a day and a half a week (if I'm lucky) and I get laid twice a month (again, if I'm lucky). Our relationship is based on sex, so I really don't see how he thinks this is acceptable. Ohh, right, it's b/c he doesn't have the time or energy. I feel like I'm coming in a distant third in his life. And I know that I'm being selfish, but he knew I was needy from the beginning. That's why things in our relationship occurred how they did. I don't think he understands how I feel, even after I've explained it to him several times. It's annoying. So, I'm definitely at my breaking point now, and I've decided that I have to tell him if I want things to change. I am not okay with what I'm getting now. I need to let him know that I need more. I'm done playing alla these games, trying to "keep" him as he's leaving so I can get an extra five minutes. Getting upset when he needs to go do something with somebody else. Having him make plans and then cancel on me last minute. I'm done with all of this mess. It just pisses me off and makes me frustrated, even right as he walks in the door. I've given him my all, and I feel like I'm not receiving nearly as much in return. I don't wanna make it seem like I'm not considering his feelings a/b his job and how that takes a lot outta him, but he should've realized alla this. Maybe we should just take a break until he's ready to move on. I might have to bring this up as well. I'm ready to move on in this relationship, and just b/c he's not, my feelings have to suffer. And I've been suffering for awhile. It's slightly annoying. It's like whatever I really want needs to be put on hold just for him. And how is that fair? I already plan my life around his work schedule. All he does is show up, half sleep, to wherever I'm at, we go eat, we lay down, he leaves. How is any of that fair? How long am I s'posed to be okay with the cycle?
So, Christmas is 2m. I really want that laptop. Really freakin' bad. Besides that, everything else I get is kinna extra stuff. I know that Stan bought me a deck. Woot woot. But I need speakers, ahaha. I got him tons of things, all of which he asked for, w/h I know I couldn't afford at that time. Ahh. I'm trynna save money, but now I just can't. There are too many things going on that I need to spend. I hope this Christmas is a good one. Better than last year.
Today, I gotta go to the post office, Shane Co., and maybe shopping for the girls? Ugh, I really don't know. I just don't wanna leave Vasiliy here, but I'm not gonna deal with lugging him around, you know?
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