Ehh

I don't really use this, bc there isn't a need with my addiction to Tumblr. But today, I REALLY just needed to let a lot of feelings and things out.

First and foremost, rest in piece to auntie sweetie and uncle jr.

Now, on to more personal things. I'm frustrated as FUCK living in this house. My parents keep saying you can do xyz in your room, and I'm ready, but they're like, no wait. I haven't even been in my room in months. I sleep on the couch, bc there literally no room in my room to live.
Today I just had it. I've been around mom too much. I'm helping her with gramma bc gramma is sick and is losing her mind. Today mom said that me and Joi had to go to the hospital to take gramma home. Looking at the situation now, there was NO need for us to do that. Me and Joi didn't need to go. All it did was cause stress. I don't have the patience to deal with gramma. And when people come at me outta left field, I'm gonna retaliate. And until people realize that I'm fucking unhappy, I'm gonna be a bitch. So there.

I need to have more of a backbone

But I can most definitely save that for another post.

I'm so excited about my birthday plans. Catch me at Lot 46 on the 9th! I'm so juiced. I hope that it all goes as planned. Idk how I'm even gonna get the word to Yummy cuz he doesn't have his phone. Hmm.. Anyway, that's just one installment. I got my new party cam, and then I get a new phone. The Captivate Glide is what I want. Best phone for little old me. I love it. It's perfect. Samsung, duh. I need to make a checklist of what I need to bring that night. Not just for the event, but for the morning after. Seeing as I prolly won't wake up until way late.

Debating if I should still do exploratorium. We'll see about that one.

Friends

I don't know how many times I've said it, or haven't, that I don't have hella close friends. I only have a few that I can really count on.

I hate when people push their ideas on me. I hate it even more when it happens from a close friend. Where is this coming from? Welll.. I've wanted to get a tattoo. I love my aunt, and this is prolly the only relative I'd want to this for besides immediate family. I've been kinna bouncing ideas off of her, but she's like but I think it'll look better like this.. and then it's funny b/c I'm bouncing ideas off of her for my birthday and she's like.. well it's your birthday, so blah blah blah. ahaahah. I'm just confused. I know what I want to do for my tattoo, and my birthday. Now just a matter of doing. Mom's like get a job first. So I gotta get back on that. Something with more hours.

I can't believe

That I didn't blog earlier. Omgah. I'm so all over the place with my blogs.

Auntie Sweetie has passed. Last Tuesday. Her things will be thursday and friday. I'm hoping Jess will come. If anything, Katy should text me and let me know what's up. I hope she can come as well. Believe it or not, I do miss her. Granted times out have been a lot less stressful. Just get in the car, and go. No worries about baby sitting or nothing. Anyway, here's what I wanted to say about Auntie Sweetie:
I'm a happy person. But as of lately, I'm sad. Granted I'm smiling and things, but when it comes down to it, I'm fucking sad as hell. I don't feel like myself. And this is because of my aunt. She isn't here. And I never thought I would need a person this much. I know that when my mother and father, and my maternal grandparents pass, I'll be sad. But I NEVER once thought in a million years that I'd be sad over losing an aunt. I feel like she was my dad's sister, and she married somebody else that we had to like, when in actuality she's just an in-law. I can't believe how empty I feel. I need to commemorate her in some way. I just need to find the perfect tattoo.

And I'm not even sure if I let the Katy Situation be known. I really shouldn't blast it, but it needs to be noted. I love that girl. But I don't need to babysit her. I want to be able to go out, and to have fun without worrying if this girl will pass out on the floor. If she's gonna be a wet blanket/Debbie Downer. So we'll see what happens.

I need to find somewhere that is hella nice on Fridays. Because we need to do this big all weekend. Or "weekend" since we really on go out Thursdays/Fridays. Saturdays will be our day to coupon. Ahaha. That's our new hobby. Then we'll eat and shop. Teehee.

Omgah, I don't know where to begin with this. Not at all. Like, so much random stuff happened.

Goodbye SKB. We are no longer on friends terms. I don't know why any of that happened. It makes me sad thinking about it. But it reached a point where I was the only one trying. A relationship can't work if it's only based on one person trying. That's not compromising, it's giving in. And I was sick of giving in. So I guess that just ended that. I can't even say I have feelings for him. The last thing he said was "I don't think I appreciate you enough." Those words are stinging. Even worse than "I'm only on time to important things." I don't think he realizes how badly he's hurt me. And I guess he doesn't really care. There's nothing left for me to do, I've exhausted all my options. Maybe when he's ready he'll come back around.

Now for some good news.
Yesterday was HELLA fun. I saw my lbo and Beyah. Beyah is so freaking cute. Say gracias, caca. Then I raced over to pick up Jess and go to Jeff's for nightlife at the Academy of Sciences. On the way there, we ate gyros. Hella yummy though. Walked a little ways as we ate, chatted. I almost died walking on the rocks that were over there. Get in line, and there's this security guard who's super nice who tries to holla. I flirted back. He offered to buy me a drink, but we left too early. Oh, got the most awesomest sweatshirt. Revolve in Peace Pluto. Yes, b/c I'm such a nerd. So we exchanged numbers. Then it was back to Jeff's until it was time to hit up Holy Cow. Yummy ass tea though. Minus whent he teabag kept hitting me in the face when we were finishing the tea. Then we decided to roll out. Holy Cow this time was PERFECT. Well, in the sense of dancing without being angry at anybody. I saw this cute guy, Jess made me dance with him. Lasted all of six songs. And then.. I really don't even know. Ahahahah. I had two drinks at Nightlife, and a drink there. I can say there was a connection. Hmm. Anyway, turns out this guy is hella chill. As Jess says, just your type. Ahahaha. Random. Hopefully he's coming out tonight with us. Oh, there was drama at Holy Cow. Like a fight drama. So bad. That fight was intense. Ahahaah.

Now I should get ready for tonight. Gonna be a boxer. Of sorts. Meaning I'm wearing a sports bra and some booty shorts. Teehee.

Dear Mother

You shouldn't work nights, ever again because it turns you in to a super bitch. And nobody likes a super bitch. It's annoying. It makes me dislike you. You work night one day, and then you're home the next two days, sleep. Saying working nights throws off your sleeping schedule. I think that you saying that is the biggest crock of shit ever. It's annoying. And last night was the fucking straw that broke the camel's back. I bring you dinner, I didn't get paid back, not even a thank you. And then you and Joi decide to fight and BOTH of you continuously kick me in the back. And I blow up, as expected, but it's my fault, right? Like how is that even fair? You're such a dumb broad in that case. And you wonder why I'm never home. I can't stand the fights that Joi has with everybody. I'm sick of not having space for me to do anything. I'm sick of everybody bitching. I really just need one job. One thing to do.

Ketch-up?

This is personal, but alla way.

It sucks fighting with a friend. I can't, won't go in to details. But it's killing me. I need you to take as much time as you need to figure you out. I can't do what was happening in the past before. I can no longer baby you, force you to speak. I also do not want to make you do things that you don't want to do. There isn't much left to say about that situation. I love you. I will always be your friend. But I won't tolerate you being so unsure of yourself. You're an adult. We're adults.

My friends and I have such different personalities. There's the passive one, the assertive one, and then me, the aggressive one. How in the world does that happen? We compliment each other so well though. I mean, with me wanting it all and not afraid to go get it, it's nice to have a friend to tell me to calm down and to let other people approach me. It's nice to have a friend that's more shy and break them out of their shell.

This has been on my mind since Sunday night? Or was it Monday? Whatever. It's weighing heavily on my heart and soul. It's making me slightly emotional.

I'm gonna release these feelings tonight on somebody. Good or bad, whatever.

Different note, my mother has been on my case. Omgah, Jazminn do this, Jazminn do that. I'm getting annoyed each and every time she says my name. Why must I wake up at the crack of dawn to take Joi to school? What will happen when I move out? Joi will have to find her own way. I'm going to start to just say I had a sip. I'm testing the waters out tonight by not really coming home. I'll prolly crash out somewhere tonight. We'll see what happens.

I need to think of something to do for Halloween. I know there are parties Friday and Saturday. I can do both. Be HARDCORE. ahhaahah. I'm wondering if the costume idea should change. Ahh, so many random things.

By the mother fucking way, that guy has two weeks.

Rest in peace

So, my uncle died. I'm really sad. It's hard losing a family member. My family (though however dysfunctional we may be) is very close. We know to protect our own. To put nothing above one another. He wasn't the matriarch uncle, or one that I hung out with a lot, but I will miss him. It's sad to see a love one go to such a very ugly disease. Stupid cancer. It's so ugly. I'm in a sort of funk from the other day as well. I just need to let so much out, but there isn't a need to rant here. I'll talk it out in person. I have family, friends. I even have my dog who doesn't like to sit still for very long calming down and listening.

To my Uncle Junior, I love you.

My life

I think the last time I posted was when Stan and I broke up. I know, such a sad story. I figured that this is not HIS blog, so I can claim it. This is me being me without having to worry about other people or whatever.
What has been new since then?

Nothing really. I'm done with AI. Like I'm so over it. I really don't like their concept. I might go to AAU online or something. We'll see, they have an open house on the 15th.
I quit the job at Magic Princess. Ehh, not for me, and I really don't care. I have a ton of stuff though.

Mainly, I'm doing this to remind myself that I'm amazing. That even though the ONE guy that had me at rock bottom and my highest of highs took it all away for a brief second, that I can remain the amazing girl I am. I'm done grieving over the loss of my relationship. There was anything I did that was wrong. There isn't anything I can do to get it back. So in the end, I have to take this with stride.

On a good note, there are some perspectives. It's good to remember that there are other fish in the sea, even if the one fish you want is temporarily in a fish tank. Just gotta keep that in mind. Remember that Jazminn. All of this. You are awesome, and you will be happy in the end. If you're not, it's not the end.

I'm single

And I really don't want to be.

Idk when I'll be posting again. If ever.

Really?

So, this is how I feel. It's kinna unfair. No, it is unfair.

We just went through this big ass fight. Nearly cost YOU our relationship. Idk why I gave in so damn easily in the the first place, but that's a different story. Now you're gonna be gone for a week. Come home, be super tired, and we're not gonna get that much time together, cuz we have nowhere to go. So I'll get you twice. I'm not gonna say four times, b/c then I'll be getting my hopes up for no reason. And then you're gonna be leaving again to go back to Russian Lake. Um, does that sound fair to you? Of course it does, b/c then you wouldn't be doing it if it didn't. And as always, I'm just s'posed to sit here and take and not say anything. B/c that's the type of girlfriend you expect me to be. You know, maybe we should go on that break, b/c you do not have your priorities straight, and now I'm upset.

I can't remember if my work started at 1 or 2 today. So I'm gonna get ready now. Ahahaha.

This Damn Relationship

Omgah. Tuesday (yesterday, Idk what I said that) was the longest day of my damn life. So much drama, over nothing.

Woke up, kinna already in a foul mood since me and Stan were semi fighting from the night before. I didn't like the answers he gave to a certain questions I asked him, so I was just in a funk. So when he came over, I kinna was just expecting the worse. We haphazardly agreed to a break as we were talking Vasiliy out for a walk. Came back in to drop him off, then go over to the condo and clean it out. Omgah, that was a damn process. Mainly for him, b/c I just sat there and did nothing. So, Stan basically said that he wanted to take a break since he felt like we needed time to think about our relationship. He said things to the extent of we need space to see if this is what we want, to live separate lives. After a ton of crying, of me thinking that a break will only lead to break up, of me admitting that I was scared that at the end of the break that there was a chance of us not getting back together, we just agreed. After sitting in the car for an hour waiting for him to finish carrying everything out, we were on our way to eat. Sitting in a car with somebody who you just agreed to go on a break with is REALLY awkward. Like, we were sitting in the car, not holding hands, not really talking, no red light kisses. Nothing. I was in a real bad mood, obviously, since I didn't want any of this. And now we're at Sizzler. Sitting there, awkwardly. You don't know what's okay in a break. Basically we pretend we're together when we're together, but when we're apart, we act like we're broken up. Or I think that's what he was thinking in his mind. Anyway, after me eating hella random food from the salad bar, and him taking to his mother (I believe, since he was talking in Russian), he says I think we should just cancel the break. In my mind, me being a girl, my instinct was "Cancel the break, so we're just going to break up?" but I didn't let it show. I just said what do you mean, as I ate some salad. He replies with I think it'll just be awkward. Just weird. What will we do? And other things of that nature. So we were on a break for all of five minutes or so. Kinna upsetting. I wasted so much time and energy for nothing. But I guess it's nice to know where we stand now. Idk.

So after alla that, I really doubt anything will change. It's a vicious cycle that we're in. We complain of things not working, one of changes, and that's it. We really never reach a conclusion. Which is prolly why we're stuck in this cycle. I need to talk to him soon, b/c I don't think our new situation will be any better. No condo means no sleepovers. No sleepovers mean no sex. No sex means a very cranky girlfriend. Cranky girlfriend is a difficult relationship. So, I hope alla this shit works out.

I cancelled school. Maybe finding a vet school. Looking for a job. Had an interview to be a jagerette. I hope I get that one. I can do a lot with that money.

The Most Annoying Apartment Search

I don't know if I've mentioned this at all recently, if ever. I've been apartment hunting. I've been all over the bay area. I've been as far south as San Jose; as far east as Antioch. I've seen about a million places in between. In the end, it's come down to one thing. I've fallen in love with on apartment in San Mateo. I love it there. It's nice, dog friendly, no pet weight limit. I love it. It's nice, it's new. The only thing that is holding me back is my Mini Me. She wants to move in with me. No prollems there. I love her to pieces. But I'm ready to do it now. I'm tired of this house. I want to be on my own. I'm tired of the fighting with Joi. The useless errands with mom. Asking for money every other day. That's why I'm saving. I hope everything will be on the right track at the end of the year. That's my goal. I will do this. Another thing I should be doing in the mean time is looking for another job. I hope that the apartment community will have mixers so I can find friends in the area. Rambled, back to Mini Me. She needs to get a job. She has until the end of the year. And that means already have a job and have something saved. Cuz I know I have to buy furniture, w/h is no prollem with me. But she will have to pay me back for that, as she'll be on that as well. As long as dishes, untencils, and other bills like food, electricity, etc. She needs to chip in for alla that. It's not just come in with your stuff and be okay with it. I know I'll be paying more in rent, seeing as how I have Vasiliy. But that is nothing. She needs to be weary of her electric uses. Just be careful with that.

Recap from SoCal, plus updates

So, our trip was SUPER nice. Granted it was short, but it was very nice to have just that time of us alone uninterrupted. I mean, there were the times where Stan went super Mama's Boy and texted his mom after every little thing, but whatever. That's just how he is. We drove down Sunday night, got there super fast. Ate at IHOP, then found our hotel. The Springhill Suites by Marriott is by far the nicest hotel that we have stayed in. Super cheap but it was REALLY nice. Comfortable bed, kitchenette thing. Desk area. Living area. I loved the room. And our rental car was nice. A BRAND NEW 2011 Ford Focus. When I say brand new I mean it only had seven miles on it. We returned it with around 1500. Woot woot. So after we arrived and checked in, we instantly ko'ed. We woke up and then decided to go to the Santa Monica Pier and to Kodak Theater. First time going to Santa Monica Pier, and I liked it. It was SUPER small and SUPER packed though. It wasn't like the Boardwalk. I thought it would sprawl over at least a mile, and have tons of things to do. It was REALLY condensed. A few rides, but nothing worth actually riding. I do remember being called a bitch by some little ass girl. But besides that it was really nice. There were a LOT of people out fishing. I even saw these black dudes fishing. I was like whaa?? They fish? Then we decided to hit the Kodak Theater. Stupid Tom Hanks and his movie premier had the ENTIRE street blocked off. We couldn't even play with the handprints. So I guess that'll be for our next trip. We have to do Six Flags and Knotts. Maybe a few other things. Anyway, after moping around there for a bit, we went to the Disney store that's across the street that has the BEST desserts. Yum. And then we decided to go back to the hotel. Hollaaa! Showered, slept. Woke up the next day excited for Universal. Omgah, traffic in LA is a bitch. There was traffic EVERYWHERE. It took FOREVER to get there. But we made it and took off. We were everywhere. We did everything, saw alla shows. Rode alla rides. Ate tons of food that we prolly shouldn't have, but it's a vacation. You starve before it to look awesome there, and then starve after it so you can lose alla weight you gained there. Then we went to Universal City Walk to kill some time. That was also nice. Just strolled hand and hand. Saw a bunch of teeny boopers. Poor girls. Then we went to Pinkberry. So freaking good. I had watermelon with Oreos, Cap'n Crunch, and Kiwi. Stan got a cone for his first time. Caramel with mochi and strawberries I believe. And then we went "home." Another long ass drive, but worth it. Fell asleep after some time. Our last day was to the San Diego Zoo. Omgah, when you first get there and look at the map it's so intimidating. It looks so big and you don't think you can do everything in one day. But we did it all. Saw a few shows. Went on the AWESOME tour for a good 45 minutes that showed everything. I saw giraffes, so we all know how happy that made me. We ate some pretty good food. What I didn't like a/b that zoo was the shortcuts. Omgah, they were worse than walking the actual path. It had steep slopes. Crazy ass staircases. But whatever. After that for our LAST stop, we went to Roscoe's. It was so yummy. Then we came home. Super sadface. Ended our trip. G'bye SoCal. Until we meet again.

Now today I'm seeing Stan since he decided to work yesterday. I'm gonna finish getting alla my stuff outta the condo so I won't have to worry a/b it later on. Just bring my toothbrush I guess every time I go. Gotta remember my easel. NOTE TO SELF: CALL TO CANCEL ALL ELECTRONICS THERE. Make Stan pay for cancellation fees. He's renting it, but I guess it doesn't matter. My goal for today is to tell him EVERYTHING a/b how I feel. No holding back, if it starts a fight, whatever. It's not fair to me to hold stuff in b/c I don't wanna start a fight. Sometimes a fight needs to happen then.

School starts soon. No more slacking off. Promise myself. Will do this. Without a motha fucking doubt bitch.
Look for another job. Just something extra to supplement the Princess job.
Now time for a shower.

Yay, vacation

I haven't blogged in almost a month. A lot has changed since then, and really, Idk where to begin.

Congrats to my soulmate for graduating from Davis. I'm so proud of you. Beyond words. I love you so much babygirl. You inspire me. You were the first one to do it, and I hope to be the next.

Me and Stan did break up for a good two days. Had a break down, but I think we're on our way to a full recovery now. Lots of things have changed in our relationship, and I think it will definitely be for the better.

Vasiliy is listening to me. I just need to work on his pull. He is definitely getting better though.

I'm apartment hunting for me and my mini-me. It'll be nice living outside of my parents, not with Stan, but on my own enough. I don't want to be alla way alone though. There needs to be somebody there with me. And I would love it to be my mini-me. We know how to stay clear of each other enough so that we won't fight. We're both clean enough to not piss each other off by being messy.

School is still school. Idk where I'm going to go after this. Ugh. Blah blah blah.

Good news, Stan and I are headed back to SoCal. We're going to Universal and the San Diego Zoo. Stops at Pinkberry, Pinks Hot Dog, and Roscoe's. Maybe a Chinese buffet or something. There's a lot to do out there, and since we're driving, we get that added bonus! I'm definitely bring my car charger for GPS reasons. If I'm lucky we might even go to SeaWorld. That's what I really wanted to do, but maybe not. I'm bringing jumpers. Yay. I hope the weather cooperates.

Now to call some apartment places and make some scheduled visits/tours. I hope I can do the one in San Mateo today.

I guess our fire is finally burning out

I don't know what that means, but I'm in it it win it. I'm gonna stick by you and stay in this for as long as can. Though I'm not getting what I want, it doesn't mean that it's necessary for me to just give up.

I gotta feelin'

Well, it's an urge, to pee. Ahahaha.

Anyway, the talk happened. I really don't know if anything came outta it. There was an almost break up. Lots of thinking. That was the final talk. If things don't pick up by his deadline, then we all know what's gonna happen in the end. I would hate for it to come to that, but if it needs to happen, then it will. I'm not about to suffer for his mistakes. I think I've repaid him for what I've done. Now it's just a matter of the waiting game.

New quarter of school. Starting off on a bad foot cuz my dad is being Mr. Cheap Ass. He didn't wanna shell out the money for the drawing board of the correct size, so now I'm just going to get a small one. (So small that it's the SAME SIZE as my paper. Idk how that will work, but it's better to get something small than to have nothing. And then this way I won't have to be bothered with him anymore. Hopefully in the end this will pay off. I just gotta work extra hard.

My dear Jess is graduating. I can't believe it. I love her dearly. My plan is to go to both, be with her. Give Vasiliy to Stan to watch for a few days. I need the time off and the time to be with my girls. I'm hoping it'll all be hella fun.

I'm looking. Not actively, but looking. Feb isn't that far away.
I'm gonna pee. Then walk Vasiliy. Text my sissy. I should also throw on something cuz I'm s'posed to be going out for drinks or something later.

The talk

The talk is coming up soon. Super scary. I'm nervous. I'm terrified. I'm feeling guilty, but something needs to happen. I want to thank Jess, Katt, and Jeffrey for helping me last night. They made it all really come together. Just ask why, then ask why not. You can do this babygirl. Just believe.

Family. I've been spending time with Dad's side, and things are going super well. I've been offered a position in caring for my aunt and getting paid for it. I hope this falls through, cuz I need the money. We'll see. I'll go in and check on her starting Tuesday. I need to do this. And to make a copy of my key.

This quarter of school is over. I wish I had a summer break, but Idt I do. But for the long run that is better. I hope I can just stay in this swing of school and bust all of this out. I'm working super hard in perfecting my work for both of the classes. Hopefully in the end it pays off. The next class is drafting. I really don't know how that class will work. It was difficult being taught at City. Too much in too little time. And this is just six weeks. My hands never want to cooperate with me. Halfway there.

What else is there to say? Cable will be installed 2m. That'll finally make the place more liveable. If anything I'll make a copy of the key myself since Stan won't. He'll never even know I was there. 2m I gotta wake up early, take Joi to school, come back and shower. Walk/feed Vasiliy. Then sit at the condo for six hours. Oh, the boring life. I'm gonna bring alla my nail stuff so that I can at least do that while it's happening. But I need to remember to paint carefully. Or find q-tips. And a napkin for my edges. I have a cute color scheme I think too.

I guess it's time to walk Vasiliy for the last time tonight. Then change, get in the bed. Omgah, so much is going to be going on 2m. I'm soo anxious. *sigh

Hella days

I just spent hella days with Bunny. I'm sad it's all over with. I do get him back on Monday though. So it's not that bad. And we're planning a road trip. Woot woot. I gotta look into some triple a deals though. And rental cars. It'll prolly be cheaper going through them.

This quarter of school is almost done. I'm barely scraping by in Drawing, but I have a B in Color Theory. Hopefully with my final, I can pull some shit outta my ass and then it'll all be wonderful. My next class is drafting. That class I think will be super hard, but I'm ready to put in the work. Hopefully it's not that bad. Or expensive.

I need to call ATT cuz they haven't installed our cable yet. The fuck?

Growing Up

I think I'm slowly starting to move out for good now. With school and needing the space, the condo just has it. I'm getting the internet, cable, and home phone, all in my name too. Woot woot. We'll start having people over. I gotta learn how to use the ATT U-Verse remote. There's too much happening in my life right now.

I gotta make an appt with my doctor to get Vasiliy his tags. That's really the only thing that's stopping me from going alla way since now I have things to do there.

I have to figure out what the hell I'm doing with school in my life. I'm busting my ass, and I'm not getting anywhere. I'm doing better in Color Theory, but not too well in drawing. Which makes me so sad. I just can't figure out why I can't do this.

Mmkay, gonna look for my Kaiser card to call this doctor.