My relationship with Stan has become.. Idk what to even call it. It's definitely complicated. I don't like how it's come to fighting everyday, esp since he won't ever call me, and we fight through text. That's the stupidest thing ever. Anyway, today, I think we both realized that we're on the last straw of our sanity. We can't continue to fight everyday, but do we wanna break up? I sent him a text saying that, and he responds with I've thought about breaking up, b/c it would be easier, but then I don't wanna lose you, etc. Then I asked what we should do since we're stuck, and he decides that's the time to end our conversation, saying he has more stuff to do. That's the crap that I'm talking about. Do you really think that in the middle of a fight it's okay to just up and leave? Ugh.
My relationship with somebody really close has basically faltered. I don't wanna put their name out there, just b/c. I guess it's due to the lack of time we've spent together, the lack of communication. The growing that we've all done, it's prolly made it difficult for us to remain friends. I dislike a lot of your actions, and I don't think you're a nice person, a fair person. I believe you take advantage of people to get what you want. I believe that you feel you are slightly above others by the way you act. And sometimes you throw out random knowledge, that simply doesn't make sense. Or you try to throw out knowledge that makes you seem smarter, but it feels as if you're shoving a fancy education down our throats.
My relationship with school has become really difficult. I'm going to stop attending night class, b/c I need to focus more on AI which I don't do now. I wish I could do both, but I really can't. I gotta focus on one thing, and AI's definitely more important. I gotta do better b/c I'm already falling behind. But it will not happen ever again. Just a rough week for me, that's all.
My work relationship isn't really there. I need to go to the rink and talk to these people, b/c it's not happening. I need money, and fast. I was relying on this job, but maybe now I'll just try to look elsewhere.
My relationship with Vasiliy is pretty awesome. I love just spending time with him, having him sleep on me, having him around. I always feel better knowing he's here. He's a pretty good dog, he just needs a lot of attention, that I'm going to give him once this semester at City is over.
Have you ever felt like you've been walked on by somebody close? That they just use you to for something, then when you expect to have the same thing returned, it never happens? That's how I feel. And it sucks.
Monday, November 29
Saturday, November 20
Growing up
So, I thought going to school online would be awesome, I'd have tons of extra free time, but I really don't. I have to cram alla this knowledge into such a small window of opportunity. I do believe I am cheating the system by doing all of the assignments at one time, and just posting them up when they're due. I hope my next class isn't this boring, but if it is, I'll have more time to myself, as I won't be enrolled at City anymore. Holla. I'm sooo glad a/b that.
Idk where things stand with me and Stan. I do see him trying, and I'm proud of that, but Idk if he understands the severity of his actions at this point. He's really lost my trust. I don't believe a lick of what he says. And whenever he does say something, I'm expecting him to not be on time. I don't think he realizes that what he said a long time ago stuck in my head. He said, "I'm on time to important things." Soo.. am I not important? Is our relationship not important? Is Vasiliy not important to you? Irdg his view on these things. Hopefully after I register him, things will be easier. One more year or so to wait it out and see if it'll be worth it. I really hope so.
I'm trying to make these two jobs last and quickly. I think I found a way to make it work, but saving everything I have until the trip. I only need one thing from Best Buy on Black Friday, and I hope it happens. I'm not going to have a bday party per say, maybe just a dinner or something, where everybody chips in to help me pay for stuff. I think this plan can work, along with asking dad for money every two weeks to put into my account. Let's see.
Vasiliy had school today. I believe he wishes he was part pit, cuz he finds alla these pits and wrestles with them. It's actually quite cute. I love this dog, and no matter what types of prollems he brings to me and Stan, I'm not gonna let him go. He's done nothing wrong. I need to find a new mat for his crate, and a brush for his shedding hair. And continue his insurance. And register him. Omgah.
I still gotta go to 555 Portola Drive and make the phone call. Definitely Monday. (It just thundered hella loud. Like, the sky broke. Idk if I'm gonna walk him. It needs to super slow down or he's just gonna have to poop in the house and I'll clean it. It's too much right now.)
Idk where things stand with me and Stan. I do see him trying, and I'm proud of that, but Idk if he understands the severity of his actions at this point. He's really lost my trust. I don't believe a lick of what he says. And whenever he does say something, I'm expecting him to not be on time. I don't think he realizes that what he said a long time ago stuck in my head. He said, "I'm on time to important things." Soo.. am I not important? Is our relationship not important? Is Vasiliy not important to you? Irdg his view on these things. Hopefully after I register him, things will be easier. One more year or so to wait it out and see if it'll be worth it. I really hope so.
I'm trying to make these two jobs last and quickly. I think I found a way to make it work, but saving everything I have until the trip. I only need one thing from Best Buy on Black Friday, and I hope it happens. I'm not going to have a bday party per say, maybe just a dinner or something, where everybody chips in to help me pay for stuff. I think this plan can work, along with asking dad for money every two weeks to put into my account. Let's see.
Vasiliy had school today. I believe he wishes he was part pit, cuz he finds alla these pits and wrestles with them. It's actually quite cute. I love this dog, and no matter what types of prollems he brings to me and Stan, I'm not gonna let him go. He's done nothing wrong. I need to find a new mat for his crate, and a brush for his shedding hair. And continue his insurance. And register him. Omgah.
I still gotta go to 555 Portola Drive and make the phone call. Definitely Monday. (It just thundered hella loud. Like, the sky broke. Idk if I'm gonna walk him. It needs to super slow down or he's just gonna have to poop in the house and I'll clean it. It's too much right now.)
Sunday, November 14
Heavy Eyes
I've been glued to my laptop as of lately. If it's not something for Bio, it's AI. That class is time consuming. I have to read over things SEVERAL times and read in between the lines to make sure I've included everything. I have a test in bio 2m and I hope I do well. And I have a few papers to type for DSGN 101 that are due, w/h I'll prolly take care of 2m before night class. I'm actually quite sad that the group project is ending. I think it's b/c I was lucky enough to have an awesome group, that now it feels kinna lonesome. It'll be back to the boring stuff in that class, and I'm dreading it. If there weren't a few weeks left and if I hadn't suffered as much as I did already, I would drop. But there's no point. City will be over in a matter of weeks. I'm glad. I'm just sad that I'm going to be home alla time, b/c then I think everybody will expect me to be doing everything for them. No bueno.
Vasiliy is soo house trained now. Every time he has even the slightest hint of pee, he walks to the door. I try to wait it out, so he doesn't get used to me taking him out every 30 mins just b/c he feels the urge. I feel bad b/c I didn't give the attention he deserves from me today, but that's how it's gotta be sometimes. He's learning how to just play by himself which is good. I love him so. I just hope he stays that size for ever and ever and ever. If he gets any bigger, we gotta buy a bigger crate. Omgah, that reminds me, he's almost outta food. If it's not gas, dog supplies, feminine stuff, I'm broke. Omgah. He's growling at himself in the mirror right now. It's super cute.
I need this year to fly by super quick so that this real job will start. I should start looking for an internship, b/c I'm sure I could do that.
I'm gonna take Vasiliy out for one last walk, change into pajamas, drink some juice and get in the bed. My eyes need a break from the laptop glow. And Vasiliy is craving for my attention.
Vasiliy is soo house trained now. Every time he has even the slightest hint of pee, he walks to the door. I try to wait it out, so he doesn't get used to me taking him out every 30 mins just b/c he feels the urge. I feel bad b/c I didn't give the attention he deserves from me today, but that's how it's gotta be sometimes. He's learning how to just play by himself which is good. I love him so. I just hope he stays that size for ever and ever and ever. If he gets any bigger, we gotta buy a bigger crate. Omgah, that reminds me, he's almost outta food. If it's not gas, dog supplies, feminine stuff, I'm broke. Omgah. He's growling at himself in the mirror right now. It's super cute.
I need this year to fly by super quick so that this real job will start. I should start looking for an internship, b/c I'm sure I could do that.
I'm gonna take Vasiliy out for one last walk, change into pajamas, drink some juice and get in the bed. My eyes need a break from the laptop glow. And Vasiliy is craving for my attention.
Saturday, November 13
More Positive
So, things w/ me and Stan have gotten better, I believe. Idk how long it'll last. It's kinna sad to think we're just stuck in this situation. Neither of us wanna start over new, so we try to work out our issues, but honestly, sometimes it seems pointless cuz Idk when Stan will go back to his old ways. Idk if Stan really changed that time. Idk if I should give him another chance, if I deserve another chance. He's also moving this upcoming weekend to San Mateo since his parents bought a house out there. That means a longer drive for him to see me (if he keeps it up) and if I go and see him, that's also a ways.
Vasiliy went to school today. It sucked b/c I was there all by myself, and I needed help. I was frustrated. Seriously frustrated. I couldn't get him to do hardly anything. Ugh. Hopefully Stan will come through. And he got his new dog bed for his crate. Woohoo. It looks kinna feminine, but it was the only one they had. Now I gotta find either a some good dog shampoo to cure him of this white stuff he has and his shedding OR find a really good and cheap groomer. Dogs are soo expensive. Anyway, the class was fine b/c he got to play with other puppies. He wore himself out, and I'm really excited b/c I can get a lot done when he's sleeping.
I need to find a job. Something, and quick. I really don't wanna work at the rink this year, nor any year ever again. I dislike this mess. I dislike that environment now. It's not good, and the pay isn't that much better. I just wish I could've scheduled alla this stuff in a different pattern. My finances are low, but I'm going to make this work. I think I should start selling off alla these textbooks that I have to make a quick dollar.
I'm still not happy with my family situation. Idk why they treat me the way they do, why they don't keep their word. I swear to the highest of heavens I will keep my word whenever I have children. It's such a heartbreaking experience to have to go through whenever stuff like that happens. I am not asking for a lot. I'm asking for a laptop. It's not that much. My mom's bitching a/b me asking for financial aid, but that shit hasn't even come in yet. I'm working on a hope and a prayer that it'll get solved. My financial aid just barely covers what I need for school. The laptop is the least they can do. I'm pretty much taking care of everything else on my own. They're not paying for anything anymore. This laptop is the equivalent of a/b a year of me being at City. Idk why they just won't do it. Joi just comes in and out of my room. Knocking the door open and then walking in doesn't mean that I wanted you in here. You have no respect for personal space. My dad is super cheap.
Things I must do:
Vasiliy went to school today. It sucked b/c I was there all by myself, and I needed help. I was frustrated. Seriously frustrated. I couldn't get him to do hardly anything. Ugh. Hopefully Stan will come through. And he got his new dog bed for his crate. Woohoo. It looks kinna feminine, but it was the only one they had. Now I gotta find either a some good dog shampoo to cure him of this white stuff he has and his shedding OR find a really good and cheap groomer. Dogs are soo expensive. Anyway, the class was fine b/c he got to play with other puppies. He wore himself out, and I'm really excited b/c I can get a lot done when he's sleeping.
I need to find a job. Something, and quick. I really don't wanna work at the rink this year, nor any year ever again. I dislike this mess. I dislike that environment now. It's not good, and the pay isn't that much better. I just wish I could've scheduled alla this stuff in a different pattern. My finances are low, but I'm going to make this work. I think I should start selling off alla these textbooks that I have to make a quick dollar.
I'm still not happy with my family situation. Idk why they treat me the way they do, why they don't keep their word. I swear to the highest of heavens I will keep my word whenever I have children. It's such a heartbreaking experience to have to go through whenever stuff like that happens. I am not asking for a lot. I'm asking for a laptop. It's not that much. My mom's bitching a/b me asking for financial aid, but that shit hasn't even come in yet. I'm working on a hope and a prayer that it'll get solved. My financial aid just barely covers what I need for school. The laptop is the least they can do. I'm pretty much taking care of everything else on my own. They're not paying for anything anymore. This laptop is the equivalent of a/b a year of me being at City. Idk why they just won't do it. Joi just comes in and out of my room. Knocking the door open and then walking in doesn't mean that I wanted you in here. You have no respect for personal space. My dad is super cheap.
Things I must do:
- Go to 555 Portola Drive to pick up a copy of my transcript
- Study for this Biology test on Monday
- Call for an appt to start the process of registering Vasiliy
- Clean my room (purge the majority of my clothes)
- Find shampoo OR a groomer
Tuesday, November 9
I really don't know
So , there are a ton of things that I want to get off my chest a/b the whole me & Stan thing.. but Idk where to even begin. I think we semi settled it, but I'm debating whether or not I should send him an email really explaining how I feel. Hmm..
It's November, so that means it's time for the Rink. Yay, kinna. I'm going to be working TWO jobs, trying to save money for Disneyworld, but Idk if it'll be enough. Plus I gotta save for loans. And I got an email to work at this other job, and I'm hoping this lady will return my call soon. I can't wait for this semester at City to end. I'll be free virtually all the time.
And school starts for me on Thursday. I'll be a student at the AI of Pittsburgh, Online Division. Taking three classes a quarter. I hope to finish this first school year quickly, get a REAL job, and then continue on with my schooling for the next two years. Holla. I'm still upset at my parents for not wanting to get my the laptop that I REALLY need, but they'll come around and see that it's the smartest way to go. Esp since I'm very responsible of my things. Ahem, ahem.
Family. Omgah, I'm really sick of Joi. Stan says we should be in the condo w/n the next year, and I REALLY hope he means that. Hell, as soon as I get this dog registered, I might just spend more time at the condo. I can't stand her. She isn't respectful. I have to yell at her SEVERAL time for her just to do one thing. I don't like her in my space, or near my area. My parents don't even punish her. They let her get away with shit and that makes me even more angry.
Vasiliy is such a big dog. I love him very much. He's the best dog EVER in the world of dogs. He's house trained. I just gotta make sure that when he's ready, I'm ready, otherwise he'll just go. I wish Stan was around more to see his development. It's pretty cool. It's nice how he knows when it's nap time, how to sit down when I feed him, how to chew on certain things in my room.
Things I gotta do, soon:
It's November, so that means it's time for the Rink. Yay, kinna. I'm going to be working TWO jobs, trying to save money for Disneyworld, but Idk if it'll be enough. Plus I gotta save for loans. And I got an email to work at this other job, and I'm hoping this lady will return my call soon. I can't wait for this semester at City to end. I'll be free virtually all the time.
And school starts for me on Thursday. I'll be a student at the AI of Pittsburgh, Online Division. Taking three classes a quarter. I hope to finish this first school year quickly, get a REAL job, and then continue on with my schooling for the next two years. Holla. I'm still upset at my parents for not wanting to get my the laptop that I REALLY need, but they'll come around and see that it's the smartest way to go. Esp since I'm very responsible of my things. Ahem, ahem.
Family. Omgah, I'm really sick of Joi. Stan says we should be in the condo w/n the next year, and I REALLY hope he means that. Hell, as soon as I get this dog registered, I might just spend more time at the condo. I can't stand her. She isn't respectful. I have to yell at her SEVERAL time for her just to do one thing. I don't like her in my space, or near my area. My parents don't even punish her. They let her get away with shit and that makes me even more angry.
Vasiliy is such a big dog. I love him very much. He's the best dog EVER in the world of dogs. He's house trained. I just gotta make sure that when he's ready, I'm ready, otherwise he'll just go. I wish Stan was around more to see his development. It's pretty cool. It's nice how he knows when it's nap time, how to sit down when I feed him, how to chew on certain things in my room.
Things I gotta do, soon:
- Go to 555 Franklin to get my transcript.
- Call for a psychiatry appt to start the process for the dog
- Buy Vasiliy a new dog bed
- Call SFSPCA for the switching of classes
- Call Angela to check in
- See if Stan will watch Vasiliy Thursday
- See if Stan wants me to work Friday
Saturday, November 6
Let's talk about a few things
I don't know what the hell happened between me and Stan. Things have changed, and definitely not for the better. Our arguments have changed drastically. They are no longer small retarded things. They are huge things. Things that I'm not even sure of how to fix. I'm not happy. And I've been contemplating leaving him. Yes, that is true. It's freaking me out. But I've been thinking about our relationship. Right now, there's no way we can get time together. This dog wasn't a good idea. It would've been easier if it was a smaller dog, but now we gotta work it out. Stan claims he would like if I moved in with him in about a year. We have a dog. I can't just leave my dog at home. I can't. Stan picked this dog and he isn't doing anything for it. It makes me super sad. Now I have to make a ton of hard decisions about him. Do I move in, leave him with somebody? Give him up just b/c I want time with my boyfriend? That's not fair to this dog. I could just get a place of my own that's pet friendly. Then he can sleepover. But that is a big waste of money. And then I'm thinking about how things are rough now. It's not like it'll just get better with time. The time won't change Stan's schedule. Even if I do decide to move in with Stan w/n the next year or whatever the time frame is, that doesn't mean that I'll get to see him more. I'll see him the same amount of time. I had no idea dating a cop would be this difficult. Things were easier then. It would've been perfect if he just moved into a place that was pet friendly. I just had an idea! Yay for my small brain that has awesome bursts of good ideas! Anyway, if I get the papers to say that I need a service dog, that can't tell me I can't have him. So BAM. I just beat the system. So that solves the dog prollem. Yes. Omgah, why didn't I think of this before I just ranted? But time will STILL be an issue. And quite frankly, I am an not a patient person. And for our present problem. I need attention. Attention he doesn't have the time to give. And when he has the time, he doesn't have the energy. And when he has energy, I'm not up for it b/c something he did earlier pissed me off. There's a bunch of small things that aren't going well in our relationship and neither of us know how to fix them. My whole thing is that I know I'm not happy with him, but I know that I won't be that much happier with out him. Do I just want to play the waiting game and see if things get better?
Schoool
I will start doing my best from now on. I gotta. I also have to go up to Burton and pick up a copy of my transcript. I'll do that Monday. I have hella errands to run. SOB. And then art school starts on Thursday. I'm enrolled in comp literacy, color theory for patterns, and drawing. Sucks a lot, b/c I'm not a good draw-er. Omgah, in my night class, we're doing this group project, and there's this one group that can not get along for anything. They were SCREAMING at each other the other day. They need to just sit down and focus. And it's weird how they don't get along since they all sit in the same area of the classroom. I love my group b/c we work well together. And in the end, this is ONE project. It doesn't mean anything. I wanna talk to a counselor to see if I have enough credits to get my AA. I want to make my mom happy, and I know that getting it will.
Friends
I feel like such the bad guy. I set them up and now they're having the world's worst issues. I'm so sorry. But I am here for you. It's almost your birthday and though I won't legally be able to celebrate with you, I wish you all the best. I also realized that I have NO idea what I want to do for my birthday, if anything. Maybe I'll be like Jess and have an anti-21. I've done everything there is to do for that day, so it's not like it matters. I also have to save for Disneyworld, which is a ton of dollars. And I don't have a ton of dollars atm. I need to find a job. Hopefully towards January I'll find one since I'll be free alla time. Hmm.. Hopefully I'll think of something.
Puppy
He's getting sooo big now. He's settling down and everything. He knows when it's play time, when it's chill time. He knows when I'm sad. I was crying the other day and he put is paw on my chest and I couldn't help my smile. He's starting to have his own personality. I just wish he was alla way house trained so I could leave him home not in his crate. Hopefully soon. He has school 2m and I hope they teach me something.
Family
So, I really feel like I don't belong in this family. I'm the black sheep. I'm the good one, I'm not ghetto, I don't go around being bad and disobeying rules just b/c they're there. I do things by the book, I speak proper English, I dress in clothes that look decent. I really want to leave this house. I gotta look into registering my dog, and fast. If it's a long process, it needs to happen now. I want it to ready for when I move out. I can't do this with these people. Today, we're all eating BK in the car. I open my chicken fries, and Joi doesn't even ask if she can have one. She just wiggles her hand in front of me and expects me to just give her whatever. She's so damn rude. That's not how you get shit in the world, and that's definitely how to not get shit with me. And then my dad wants to laugh at me when I spill soda on my shirt. He didn't even offer a damn napkin. And then he wants to eat my fries. What the hell is up with people just taking shit w/o asking? It's rude. I wouldn't mind giving you whatever I have, but you gotta be able to ask nicely. And my mom isn't really all that better. She's hit menopause and it's her way for everything. She bitches for no reason. She angers me. Seriously angers. She doesn't do anything but bitch and scream. Today Joi got her iPod, and I was s'posed to get my laptop But it turns out that the best laptop is way more expensive than the netbook I had originally planned to get. And it seems like everybody is bitching at me. I did what I needed to do. I checked all of the websites and there was nothing. Sometimes you can't be cheap. They're expecting my financial aid to just pay for this crap.It prolly won't. Idk how it even works since I'm not getting a check in the mail. I surely hope something good will come outta this.
Stan's s'posed to be coming over today so we can finish our talk that we started yesterday, but Idt that it'll happen. And if he does, it'll be for an hour tops. I'm numb to this shit now, and it makes me cry b/c I shouldn't have to be accustomed to this feeling.
Why is the weatherman lying to me? It hasn't rained in a long time.
Schoool
I will start doing my best from now on. I gotta. I also have to go up to Burton and pick up a copy of my transcript. I'll do that Monday. I have hella errands to run. SOB. And then art school starts on Thursday. I'm enrolled in comp literacy, color theory for patterns, and drawing. Sucks a lot, b/c I'm not a good draw-er. Omgah, in my night class, we're doing this group project, and there's this one group that can not get along for anything. They were SCREAMING at each other the other day. They need to just sit down and focus. And it's weird how they don't get along since they all sit in the same area of the classroom. I love my group b/c we work well together. And in the end, this is ONE project. It doesn't mean anything. I wanna talk to a counselor to see if I have enough credits to get my AA. I want to make my mom happy, and I know that getting it will.
Friends
I feel like such the bad guy. I set them up and now they're having the world's worst issues. I'm so sorry. But I am here for you. It's almost your birthday and though I won't legally be able to celebrate with you, I wish you all the best. I also realized that I have NO idea what I want to do for my birthday, if anything. Maybe I'll be like Jess and have an anti-21. I've done everything there is to do for that day, so it's not like it matters. I also have to save for Disneyworld, which is a ton of dollars. And I don't have a ton of dollars atm. I need to find a job. Hopefully towards January I'll find one since I'll be free alla time. Hmm.. Hopefully I'll think of something.
Puppy
He's getting sooo big now. He's settling down and everything. He knows when it's play time, when it's chill time. He knows when I'm sad. I was crying the other day and he put is paw on my chest and I couldn't help my smile. He's starting to have his own personality. I just wish he was alla way house trained so I could leave him home not in his crate. Hopefully soon. He has school 2m and I hope they teach me something.
Family
So, I really feel like I don't belong in this family. I'm the black sheep. I'm the good one, I'm not ghetto, I don't go around being bad and disobeying rules just b/c they're there. I do things by the book, I speak proper English, I dress in clothes that look decent. I really want to leave this house. I gotta look into registering my dog, and fast. If it's a long process, it needs to happen now. I want it to ready for when I move out. I can't do this with these people. Today, we're all eating BK in the car. I open my chicken fries, and Joi doesn't even ask if she can have one. She just wiggles her hand in front of me and expects me to just give her whatever. She's so damn rude. That's not how you get shit in the world, and that's definitely how to not get shit with me. And then my dad wants to laugh at me when I spill soda on my shirt. He didn't even offer a damn napkin. And then he wants to eat my fries. What the hell is up with people just taking shit w/o asking? It's rude. I wouldn't mind giving you whatever I have, but you gotta be able to ask nicely. And my mom isn't really all that better. She's hit menopause and it's her way for everything. She bitches for no reason. She angers me. Seriously angers. She doesn't do anything but bitch and scream. Today Joi got her iPod, and I was s'posed to get my laptop But it turns out that the best laptop is way more expensive than the netbook I had originally planned to get. And it seems like everybody is bitching at me. I did what I needed to do. I checked all of the websites and there was nothing. Sometimes you can't be cheap. They're expecting my financial aid to just pay for this crap.It prolly won't. Idk how it even works since I'm not getting a check in the mail. I surely hope something good will come outta this.
Stan's s'posed to be coming over today so we can finish our talk that we started yesterday, but Idt that it'll happen. And if he does, it'll be for an hour tops. I'm numb to this shit now, and it makes me cry b/c I shouldn't have to be accustomed to this feeling.
Why is the weatherman lying to me? It hasn't rained in a long time.
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