Omgah. There's so much to say. My birthday just passed, and it was plenty fun. Minus when Stan was a douche. I think he enjoys pushing my buttons lately, and I'm just getting sick of it. I don't remember much, but I know there are a few pictures and it was a hectic night.
I gotta get a lot off my chest a/b this relationship of me and Stan. So, we had another really long talk the other night, mainly through text, but a talk nonetheless. Basically, I'm trying to change our relationship so that I'm not begging for more time, and working his nerves. I decided that if needed, I'd give Vasiliy up right now (though it would kill me) if we would move in to the condo right now. He doesn't wanna do that until his loan is payed off. So basically I feel as if he's not ready, and will never be ready, to take our relationship to a new level. He's too scared to do anything, and that pisses me off. We're stuck in a rut, and he doesn't seem to think so. I get him for a day and a half a week (if I'm lucky) and I get laid twice a month (again, if I'm lucky). Our relationship is based on sex, so I really don't see how he thinks this is acceptable. Ohh, right, it's b/c he doesn't have the time or energy. I feel like I'm coming in a distant third in his life. And I know that I'm being selfish, but he knew I was needy from the beginning. That's why things in our relationship occurred how they did. I don't think he understands how I feel, even after I've explained it to him several times. It's annoying. So, I'm definitely at my breaking point now, and I've decided that I have to tell him if I want things to change. I am not okay with what I'm getting now. I need to let him know that I need more. I'm done playing alla these games, trying to "keep" him as he's leaving so I can get an extra five minutes. Getting upset when he needs to go do something with somebody else. Having him make plans and then cancel on me last minute. I'm done with all of this mess. It just pisses me off and makes me frustrated, even right as he walks in the door. I've given him my all, and I feel like I'm not receiving nearly as much in return. I don't wanna make it seem like I'm not considering his feelings a/b his job and how that takes a lot outta him, but he should've realized alla this. Maybe we should just take a break until he's ready to move on. I might have to bring this up as well. I'm ready to move on in this relationship, and just b/c he's not, my feelings have to suffer. And I've been suffering for awhile. It's slightly annoying. It's like whatever I really want needs to be put on hold just for him. And how is that fair? I already plan my life around his work schedule. All he does is show up, half sleep, to wherever I'm at, we go eat, we lay down, he leaves. How is any of that fair? How long am I s'posed to be okay with the cycle?
So, Christmas is 2m. I really want that laptop. Really freakin' bad. Besides that, everything else I get is kinna extra stuff. I know that Stan bought me a deck. Woot woot. But I need speakers, ahaha. I got him tons of things, all of which he asked for, w/h I know I couldn't afford at that time. Ahh. I'm trynna save money, but now I just can't. There are too many things going on that I need to spend. I hope this Christmas is a good one. Better than last year.
Today, I gotta go to the post office, Shane Co., and maybe shopping for the girls? Ugh, I really don't know. I just don't wanna leave Vasiliy here, but I'm not gonna deal with lugging him around, you know?
Friday, December 24
Wednesday, December 15
2010
Dearest 2010,
You have been good to me. We've had our ups and our downs, but I think you were a very promising year. I love to thank you for the opportunity for letting me put my stutter out there on the radio (b/c in doing so, I've made good friends) for letting me start school online (b/c I needed to stop procrastinating at City) for giving me the blessing of Vasiliy (since he has become a huge part of my life) for letting me and Stan continue our relationship (even though things are NOT going well for us) and of course for keeping my family together (though I'd rather not be here with them.) I do want to question why you haven't given me a better job, or let me crash my mother's car, have a faulty radiator, let the computer downstairs fail, allow my parents to make me feel like trash, take time away from me and boyfriend (b/c we all know how much we need it), etc. I guess I can't really complain, since nothing really traumatic has happened to me. Looking back, overall you have been lovely to me. I won't miss you. I'm looking forward to 2011 and being 21.
2011, I hope you bring me tons of things that I've been asking for. Like what?
-I want things between me and Stan to change, if they ever will. We kinna had a really long talk last night, and we both realized that no matter what we do, things won't change between us since we can't do what the other wants. And with that being said, we might just be unhappy for a very long time. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be unhappy with him, but I guess it's worth it.
-I want my parents to realize what they say and do affects me negatively. I guess it's up to me to bring it to their attention, but I'm really unsure of how they're going to react. I don't want them to flip the script and bring it on me for being so sensitive. And since I'm on the talk, I wanna bring up the sub category of Joi. She needs a major attitude adjustment b/c it makes me frustrated how she treats me. I hold back how much I wanna punch her in the face alla time.
-I want a job. Something that will get me outta the house. I should keep looking now. I really don't want something like a plain customer service retail, but I guess I might just have to do it. Ugh, sigh.
-I also need a fun fitness thing to do. I wanna work out, but just going to to the gym will be boring. Maybe a hip hop class or something. Hmm..
We'll see what happens.
You have been good to me. We've had our ups and our downs, but I think you were a very promising year. I love to thank you for the opportunity for letting me put my stutter out there on the radio (b/c in doing so, I've made good friends) for letting me start school online (b/c I needed to stop procrastinating at City) for giving me the blessing of Vasiliy (since he has become a huge part of my life) for letting me and Stan continue our relationship (even though things are NOT going well for us) and of course for keeping my family together (though I'd rather not be here with them.) I do want to question why you haven't given me a better job, or let me crash my mother's car, have a faulty radiator, let the computer downstairs fail, allow my parents to make me feel like trash, take time away from me and boyfriend (b/c we all know how much we need it), etc. I guess I can't really complain, since nothing really traumatic has happened to me. Looking back, overall you have been lovely to me. I won't miss you. I'm looking forward to 2011 and being 21.
2011, I hope you bring me tons of things that I've been asking for. Like what?
-I want things between me and Stan to change, if they ever will. We kinna had a really long talk last night, and we both realized that no matter what we do, things won't change between us since we can't do what the other wants. And with that being said, we might just be unhappy for a very long time. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be unhappy with him, but I guess it's worth it.
-I want my parents to realize what they say and do affects me negatively. I guess it's up to me to bring it to their attention, but I'm really unsure of how they're going to react. I don't want them to flip the script and bring it on me for being so sensitive. And since I'm on the talk, I wanna bring up the sub category of Joi. She needs a major attitude adjustment b/c it makes me frustrated how she treats me. I hold back how much I wanna punch her in the face alla time.
-I want a job. Something that will get me outta the house. I should keep looking now. I really don't want something like a plain customer service retail, but I guess I might just have to do it. Ugh, sigh.
-I also need a fun fitness thing to do. I wanna work out, but just going to to the gym will be boring. Maybe a hip hop class or something. Hmm..
We'll see what happens.
Saturday, December 11
Fuck a birthday
The past three birthdays for me have been soo shitty. '09 Ms. Hansen died, '10 Oscar died and this year I wrecked my mom's car. Omgah. Why does this crap happen to me? So now I'm on punishment. Like, I'm actually on punishment. Hella stupid.
Idk what I'm gonna do for my bday anyway. Prolly just dinner at Auntie Sweetie's the day of, and go out the Friday after. It'll be strange though. Ahh.. whatever.
I really wanted to blog, but I don't have the energy.
My online class isn't working. And I'm trying to finish an assignment. Fml.
Idk what I'm gonna do for my bday anyway. Prolly just dinner at Auntie Sweetie's the day of, and go out the Friday after. It'll be strange though. Ahh.. whatever.
I really wanted to blog, but I don't have the energy.
My online class isn't working. And I'm trying to finish an assignment. Fml.
Thursday, December 2
Definitely.
So, 2m I will definitely call the people that I've been procrastinating for so long. I need to get a ton of things of my chest, and I need help in ways of dealing with it.
Mother:
Why don't you listen to me? I know I'm young, but I know what I'm talking about. Vasiliy needs to not eat hella early in the morning, b/c it throws him off schedule and doesn't give me that extra hour of sleep that I so dearly need. He doesn't need a snack every time he sees you, b/c now he expects it. This is my dog, and if you want one go get your own. I don't want him to be spoiled in that sense. And now for a whole new topic (w/h is kinna old) the laptop. OMGAH. Woman! So, I told you that I would go half for the laptop. Why didn't you accept that? Why didn't you tell dad? I could've had the laptop for super cheap during Black Friday. Now I'm in a situation where I gotta choose between getting my laptop and going on the trip to Disneyworld that I've been planning since Feb. Bullshit. No somebody is gonna buy me that damn laptop b/c it's unfair what I had to go through b/c you and dad are ridiculously cheap.
Joi
Why don't YOU listen to me? Don't call him Mr. Piddles. Dogs need consistency in their lives. Vasiliy barely responds to his name now. He doesn't need that damn confusion in his life. And don't gimme any other drama when I tell you to stop. I should only have to say it once. Just b/c you like getting a rise outta me, doesn't mean that I like giving it to you, cuz believe me, I don't. It's the most annoying thing ever. You should just stop the first time when I ask you.
Dad
Why are you so cheap? It bugs the living shit outta me. It's not like I'm doing anything bad. It's not like I've done anything wrong to not deserve this laptop. It could be a gift to me. You and mom both said I could have a laptop. Sorry that a little net book wouldn't suffice with the needs of my career. Trust me, I wanna be as frugal as you, but sometimes you need to put out the extra money. It's not fair to me that I have to suffer b/c you're choosing not to help me with school. Seeing as I'm paying for my own loans, and that $300 that I should at least be able to get a laptop from you, the end.
To all of you:
Why must I say things several times? And then when I say I don't like something, you all go into "she's so sensitive", and make fun of me even more. What am I s'posed to do when I can't even relax with my own family? When I feel horrible b/c of the things you say. I've told you all that when you say those things, it hurts, and it's not fair that I have suffer. It makes me so angry. And I swear once I leave, that's it. You will not hear from me unless absolutely necessary.
Mother:
Why don't you listen to me? I know I'm young, but I know what I'm talking about. Vasiliy needs to not eat hella early in the morning, b/c it throws him off schedule and doesn't give me that extra hour of sleep that I so dearly need. He doesn't need a snack every time he sees you, b/c now he expects it. This is my dog, and if you want one go get your own. I don't want him to be spoiled in that sense. And now for a whole new topic (w/h is kinna old) the laptop. OMGAH. Woman! So, I told you that I would go half for the laptop. Why didn't you accept that? Why didn't you tell dad? I could've had the laptop for super cheap during Black Friday. Now I'm in a situation where I gotta choose between getting my laptop and going on the trip to Disneyworld that I've been planning since Feb. Bullshit. No somebody is gonna buy me that damn laptop b/c it's unfair what I had to go through b/c you and dad are ridiculously cheap.
Joi
Why don't YOU listen to me? Don't call him Mr. Piddles. Dogs need consistency in their lives. Vasiliy barely responds to his name now. He doesn't need that damn confusion in his life. And don't gimme any other drama when I tell you to stop. I should only have to say it once. Just b/c you like getting a rise outta me, doesn't mean that I like giving it to you, cuz believe me, I don't. It's the most annoying thing ever. You should just stop the first time when I ask you.
Dad
Why are you so cheap? It bugs the living shit outta me. It's not like I'm doing anything bad. It's not like I've done anything wrong to not deserve this laptop. It could be a gift to me. You and mom both said I could have a laptop. Sorry that a little net book wouldn't suffice with the needs of my career. Trust me, I wanna be as frugal as you, but sometimes you need to put out the extra money. It's not fair to me that I have to suffer b/c you're choosing not to help me with school. Seeing as I'm paying for my own loans, and that $300 that I should at least be able to get a laptop from you, the end.
To all of you:
Why must I say things several times? And then when I say I don't like something, you all go into "she's so sensitive", and make fun of me even more. What am I s'posed to do when I can't even relax with my own family? When I feel horrible b/c of the things you say. I've told you all that when you say those things, it hurts, and it's not fair that I have suffer. It makes me so angry. And I swear once I leave, that's it. You will not hear from me unless absolutely necessary.
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